the aftermath

March 01, 2007 yesterday, i hit rock bottom. by far, that was the lowest ive been in my life. every urge to keep it all inside was overpowered by all the pain that came from the stressful months i have just been through. its tough, and i know i need to toughen as well, or else, ill crumble everytime life throws something at me.

recalling everything that had happened, especially yesterday, still get's me choked up with tears. i had the chance to open everything, as in everything to a friend of mine through, might i say, a very lengthy email. although it would have been better with her beside me, i know its impossible, she risides in a different continent already. but im still thankful to technology. i just hope she takes my word for it and not call me, or ill cry again. (tears were falling and i was trembling profusely as i was writing the email.)

all i can do now surrender everything to God and hope that He would give me a sort of sign, so i would know what i should do. this can not continue. i can not always be fixing everyone else's mess. im not a saint. and i do not have a heart of steel. i CAN feel pain. i suffer. i have limitations.

But i will go through this, i've already let go of most anxieties thru the letter i made. Admitting everything to my friend also help me admit alot to myself, especially about how i feel. and today, i have never felt more free. and more closer to God.

I know, some might find it wierd, im a self confessed non-catholic (by choice) although i was born one. but i do believe that there is a God, whatever they want to call Him. Im not religious but i would like to think that i am very spiritual. and that, i know, is what's been keeping me intact. and im thankful.

+++

i had a dream, i dreamt that i died. and instead of my whole life flashing before me, i was posed with one question. the question was simple.

Are you ready to die?

it was like a challenge. i was dying and asking myself if i was ready, as if i had a choice. but then it took me a while to digest it. and i couldn't utter an answer. it would be easy to say NO. but i couldn't. because i know i should be.

everyone should be. so do everything you can while you still can do it. cry if you have to. but learn to let go of excess baggages. forgive. move on. hope for the best for other people. strive to be the best that you can be. carpe diem! life is too short to be sad all the time.

Labels: emo mode, realizations

babedibuuummm

February 15, 2007 im feeling rather down today. and the weather seem to share my sentiments. even fries didn't cheer me up. hay i hate it, i want to drink. i want to go home, get a bottle of ice cold RH from the fridge, curl up in bed and watch a good movie.

this would be the longest day ever. hay im such a baby

Labels: emo mode

the holiday. what holiday?

February 06, 2007 I'm supposed to be sitting at the comfortable seats at glorietta, laughing over the new movie , The Holiday starring Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law and Jack Black (i know, an odd cast, but gademit! Jude is lab!) but, yeah I'm here at the office. well its my fault anyway. we have a presentation tomorrow for Hydrotrim, we were asked to recommend creatives. but although the concept has been made weeks before, i had to do the mock ups at the last minute. and it doesn't help that your boyps suddenly sounds skeptical about going to the movies. BV. never mind.

i'd have to do with dvd's, at least he'll cook dinner for me, in exchange of not going to g4. punta nalang sa apt, qt.

i feel drained. and ironically, what i think i need is the title of the movie i missed tonight, a holiday. i feel like a robot, doing purely mechanical things. i don't think anymore. my right brain hurts. and to think we're just into the second month.

oh well, just like my pirated DVDs, i guess i just have to content myself with pirated hiatus. i mean I'm still lucky, at least i get to learn new things to cram inside my head. each day poses an adventure and i know i'd be stupid not to take advantage of it.

but I'm still positive that one day i'll get my holiday, and it will be fabulous! i just hope i don't spontaneously combust before that day comes.

Labels: career, emo mode, rantings, travel

trust, loyalty and understanding.

January 29, 2007 it's very tricky, that trust. it's not easy to give and even harder to regain once tarnished. but people can be too harsh and most of the time, thinks highly of themselves. when you think you can trust someone to be the first the understand you, most of the time, they are the first to turn their back. Loyalties can be altered, and priorities can change.

that's life, they say. yeah. i guess it is.

so the lesson? you can't trust eveeryone.

in my case, i resist the lesson, i trust people, sometimes more than i should. and most often than not, that trait of mine burns me.

*see, it wasn't about taking sides, im not saying that i'm not at fault, but you know very well how it is. you say you know me but you can't explain why this happened to someone who would only openly say things to you, and would always dismiss things as "okay" when i ask. i understand that he might be uncomfartable with talking to me about this things yet, but you were supposed to be a mediator. i just hope you made my arguement clearer, so that no insecurities and isuues arise. you want fair? then be fair.

you kept asking what if you did what i did, i really really wanted to say, you know what, i wont care. because helping and understanding someone i consider a friend is, and will never be a big issue for me. you need it, shit happens, i know, i'm right here to back you up. but i let you do your speech, taking everything you say, and at the end, apologized.

i guess it was my fault, that i gave in to my parents' insistent demands. and its also my fault to assume that you would be fine with it, that you know my parents like i know them and you'd know there's no point at resisting.

i guess its also my fault that i kept my personal life separate from work. that not disclosing things about you and him was unnecessary. that shielding you from open criticism, and uncalled for comments was not needed.maybe i was being over the top at protecting our world.

so here is my apology. a sincere one, from the things i did, said, and did not say.

but from now on, i only trust myself. i will still be as understanding as i can, a passive aggressive, but passive nonetheless. and as for loyalties, ill learn to be selective of it. this time, I'm not going to let myself be blinded by my childish ideals. i have to grow up, or the world is going to eat me alive.*

Labels: current events, emo mode, rantings

cold january

January 10, 2007 I started writing this last 10th but didn’t get the chance to finish it. Yes it took this long for me to get back to this. Busy, busy January... so take your most comfortable position, this would take a while

---

For some reason, it still feels like Christmas, with the weather being this cold especially during the night. I know the cold season would at least last until early Feb. but it seems colder now than it was last December.

For that reason I went in this morning with very cold undies. (This might be a little too much for some but I don’t care, you can skip this paragraph all together if you like) why you might ask? Well I didn’t have time to do laundry over the weekend, actually I have but I wanted to devote Sunday solely to sleep and DVD marathons, so anyway, I was really planning on doing laundry Monday night, at least for the undergarments since I’m running out of undies, but something came up, and what was supposed to be a dinner out with a little beer turned out to be a dinner, beer, band, bar, some more beer, and very early breakfast. So, naturally, I postponed doing laundry. (I even came in the office around noon, hehe! I slept at 6am, what do you expect!) So come Tues. night I know I HAVE to do it, because my box is empty. But even though I had it done by 8pm, when I checked on it this morning, it was still semi-wet. Shit. So I hanged it in front of the fan for "speed drying" and went to the office wearing a very cold-bacon-gartered-undies (it was the first to "dry" since its thin, hehe) I was walking along ayala checking whether there was a wet spot in my bottom, baka mag-moist. hahahaha!

Anyway, my birthday came and passed like any other day. Usually its my most awaited time of the year, not because of the gifts, it was never about that. For me it’s the best way to start the year. Me and my friends have a reason to get together, indulge my mom's specialties and drink until the next morning, sharing stories from past and present, and if lucky, have a videoke on standby, just to make a fool of ourselves even more.

This year I saved for the party. And the fact that I won a karavision machine made me doubly excited. Free karaoke! But instead of being the happiest week of the year, it became one of the loneliest.

I miss my friends. I miss them so much it hurts. Because I know we wont be complete this year. That it doesn’t matter if I have money for food and booze, and karaoke for fun if the people I want to have fun with are not all there.

elaine made an overseas call a little after 12midnight. That’s the bursting point for me. I tried the hardest not to cry at first but when she called, sorry pal. That was it. I was quiet at the other end, not letting her hear my sobs; she thought we had a bad connection so she dropped the call. I felt so bad, but I couldn’t speak. I cried for a few more minutes, just to get it out of my system.

I learned that when you are in pain, its better to deal with it, let the burden overpower you. It’s ok to cry. But don’t over do it. Cry as much as you have to, and when you think you've cried it out, stop and move on. The emptiness might take time to subside, or maybe it never will, but it should never take over you. At the end of the day, you are still the one who should be in control.

So after a few minutes, I stopped, wiped my face dry and breathe. Not being oa and neither for drama, but the moment I stopped, it started to rain. I took it as a sign that like the rain, my tears wash the pain I kept inside and tomorrow promises a clear bright sky. I felt blest.

Blessed with friends, both near and far. Blessed with a family that loves me. Blessed with someone who would hold my hand at my darkest hour, and without a word, would let me know that he's just there.

---

Why it took so long to blog?

Because I’m busy, really, I am. I didn’t get enough sleep the past 3 weeks. There’s the supplier’s party last Jan 5 (in which our team won 2nd btw. Wooot wooot!) I sang sun and moon and a whole new world with Khai. Pootangina! I had never been that nervous in my entire life! Performing live in front of 100++ people is not an easy task, not to mention having to follow a great singer like Ames, who accidentally sang a song from Ms Saigon too. Punyeta! I was trembling!

Anyway, we got 2nd so its good enough for me. And the best thing is the suppliers enjoyed the party. It was for them so shiyet, buti!

I also helped out on the design of the venue, so doing that, plus prac. my songs and doing the presentation avp for our group, and also some of the props. Let’s just say that I didn’t even dare to drink more than 3 bottles that night for fear that I might pass out not of drunk’ness but of low energy. As in I was literally low batt by the end of the party.

But at least I took nice photos of the other team, thanks to sir nick and to his very heavy but very very nice dslr with 2GB mem. Hehe! ALAVET! I want one!

Anyway, after that, I didn’t stop, we had a press launch to fix by the 18th, as in we need to do everything in 2 weeks. Ang saya. I’m not yet sure about the real feedback of the client, we are still yet to regroup maybe later this week. But for now, with everything that we went through for it, id like to convince myself that it was a success.

I missed work the day after the launch, I couldn’t get up. My whole body was soar, my head was throbbing, my eyes felt like steam was coming out of it and my asthma, oh dear, it took the perfect timing to surface. I thought I was catching a fever. I covered myself up with 2 thick comforters so I could sweat it out. Thankfully, after pails of sweat, I felt better. I slept most of the weekend. Waking up to take a bath, eat, and watch tsismis (you know I need to watch this) I didn’t bother going home to LP, I didn’t want to move unless necessary. I was married to my bed that weekend.

This week, I’m expecting more work. I have a few lined up, finished some today with a few revisions here and there. We have sets of training coming up, a bridal shower to plan (whhooooopppeeeeeeeeeee! Let’s do it ten! Hehehe!) and a nice comfy bed to save for. I hope the trip to dos palmas push throught. I don’t care if the place has a nasty history to it, I need beach…I deserve a beach trip! Hmpf!

Labels: career, current events, emo mode, lingering thoughts, realizations, travel

cheers!

December 31, 2006 there are alot to be thankful, sorry and happy for this 2006, so before it ends, let me do a recap:

to the people i might have hurt with what i've said or done, im sorry. no excuses, just sincere apologies.
to those who believed in me,,when i didn't, THANK YOU.
to those who did not believe in me,,i thank you more.
to friends, old and new, thank you for making this year what it was, an adventure
to those who tried to pull me down, thanks for teaching me how to fight
to the people who constantly kept me happy with the corniest jokes or the simplest acts of kindness, thank you
to those who just let me cry, and never asked if im ok (coz im obviously not), thank you too.
to those whose lives continue to inspire me to be everything i can be, thanks..

good times people, 2006 sure was a good year,,and i cant wait for 2007. year of the pig daw, its a sign! this is the year of the bochogs!! *wooot woooot*

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

CHEERS,
ciaring

Labels: change, current events, emo mode

dont worry 'bout a thing

November 22, 2006 Every little thing is gonna be alright...



Steady ka lang cia...

Labels: emo mode

November 21, 2006 today, though surrounded by people, ive never felt more alone.

Labels: emo mode

random dashboard

so you wont have a hard time buying gifts for me this christmas, here's my long list: (i know, ang aga)

1. Macbook
2. DSLR Camera
3. Diving Equip (in this order: mask, snorkel, fins, wetsuit, regulator, BCD, tank)
4. Dive trip (tubataha or kota k or apo reef or palau...keri na hehe)
5. Shopping spree at Ross/Home depot/Target
6. shoes, any kind with heels not higher than 2" (im 7 1/2)
7. my first ever havaianas (brazzziiiilllll)
8. a beanbag or a cool comfy chair
9. flat screen TV, hehe.
10. a year supply of booze (if beer, RH lang pls)
11. Art materials (any medium, from crayons and coloring books to canvass and acrylics)
12. Drumset or Kahon. (wlang pilosopo)
13. Oven. i want to bake.
14. punching bag and gloves
15. a leather basketball.


Of course, Money is always the best. that way you know i will get what i really want.

And look at it this way, if you give me any of my top 5, i can consider that as an early bday gift as well. hehe :)

Pa-Fedex nalang ah, PM me for my address hehehehe! thanks dear santa clauses!

behind the wheel

still the same ciara, just with more work and longer messier hair. ah and yes, a certified diver now, not that i have the time and money to dive anyway. maybe by november/december/january soon.

traffic jam

linkages

[pblog][more pictures]

[ciox] [maan] [chA] [michellE] [russ] [marns] [rJ] [tiN] [elainE] [pontifF] [mye] [jumie] [ate sunit] [ana banana] [chi ulit] [angge]

[pajammy] [jessica zafra] [post secret] [howie severino] [ala-ism] [jim paredes] [mitch dulce] [intrigero] [scotland]

[papu] [myiE] [lara] [kayE] [maky] [raece] [caffeine_rush] [the_paradox] [weird_spag] [noside] [k_Ann] [pesteng_ahem] [sabitskipoint] [claudine] [carlo] [shai] [jassy] [rc] [mai] [bubay] [koolotitay]

on reverse

12/03 01/04 02/04 03/04 04/04 05/04 06/04 07/04 08/04 09/04 10/04 11/04 12/04 01/05 02/05 03/05 04/05 05/05 06/05 07/05 08/05 09/05 10/05 11/05 12/05 01/06 02/06 03/06 04/06 05/06 06/06 07/06 08/06 09/06 10/06 11/06 12/06 01/07 02/07 03/07 04/07 05/07 06/07 07/07 08/07 09/07 10/07 11/07 12/07 01/08 02/08 03/08 04/08 05/08 06/08 07/08 08/08 09/08 10/08 11/08 12/08 01/09 02/09 10/09 12/09 08/10  

GPS system

this is my way to stalk all you readers. mwahahahahahahaha! coolness!

credits

1 & 2