the aftermath
March 01, 2007
yesterday, i hit rock bottom. by far, that was the lowest ive been in my life. every urge to keep it all inside was overpowered by all the pain that came from the stressful months i have just been through. its tough, and i know i need to toughen as well, or else, ill crumble everytime life throws something at me.
recalling everything that had happened, especially yesterday, still get's me choked up with tears. i had the chance to open everything, as in everything to a friend of mine through, might i say, a very lengthy email. although it would have been better with her beside me, i know its impossible, she risides in a different continent already. but im still thankful to technology. i just hope she takes my word for it and not call me, or ill cry again. (tears were falling and i was trembling profusely as i was writing the email.)
all i can do now surrender everything to God and hope that He would give me a sort of sign, so i would know what i should do. this can not continue. i can not always be fixing everyone else's mess. im not a saint. and i do not have a heart of steel. i CAN feel pain. i suffer. i have limitations.
But i will go through this, i've already let go of most anxieties thru the letter i made. Admitting everything to my friend also help me admit alot to myself, especially about how i feel. and today, i have never felt more free. and more closer to God.
I know, some might find it wierd, im a self confessed non-catholic (by choice) although i was born one. but i do believe that there is a God, whatever they want to call Him. Im not religious but i would like to think that i am very spiritual. and that, i know, is what's been keeping me intact. and im thankful.
+++
i had a dream, i dreamt that i died. and instead of my whole life flashing before me, i was posed with one question. the question was simple.
Are you ready to die?
it was like a challenge. i was dying and asking myself if i was ready, as if i had a choice. but then it took me a while to digest it. and i couldn't utter an answer. it would be easy to say NO. but i couldn't. because i know i should be.
everyone should be. so do everything you can while you still can do it. cry if you have to. but learn to let go of excess baggages. forgive. move on. hope for the best for other people. strive to be the best that you can be. carpe diem! life is too short to be sad all the time.
Labels: emo mode, realizations
& our love goes round and round;
3/01/2007 03:03:00 PM
|
shoes and love
February 21, 2007
i was walking along ayala this morning, semi-trotting (coz im almost late) with a pair of shoes ive only worn for the 4th time since my mom gave it to me.
during the first 3x, i get blisters by day's end because of the material (and the fact that im yet to learn how to "walk it"). people always say that since its new, blisters are expected. you're feet should hurt for the first few times you wear them but eventually the material will soften.
but has anyone ever thought that its not really that the material has softened after a few uses. maybe after months of abuse, yes, but for the 4th time? did it ever occur to anyone that it might be because our skin becomes tougher and that the pain becomes tolerable since you love the shoes you are wearing, you wont notice how much pain it causes. the credit therefore is not to the shoe, but to the foot that is wearing it.
It all boils down to making choices. you choose to suffer the few days of pain, just until your feet is used to it already that its almost non-existent.
Just like love. you put your foot into a relationship that you think suits you. you have all this fantasies of the walks you're going to take together, the time you're going to spend in each others company, places you could go, the path to forever.
but then it hurts you, most of the time, unintentionally. but the first is the most painful, the biggest blister of all. yet you choose to forget about it and go through with it. again it burns your skin, and again, and again, but as time goes by the pain seem to diminish. you get used to it that you dont notice it anymore. you chose to stick with your favorite pair, that's all there is to it.
kahit ano pa ang sabihin ng ibang tao, kahit may oras na nasasaktan ka, masaya ka sa pares mo. para sayo, its a perfect fit.
but love, just like any shoe, needs work-it has to be taken care of. there's a certain amount of effort to be exerted for it to last. Like your lola's favorite pair of tsinelas, it could look tattered but its the strongest and most comfortable pair in the lot because although she used it often, she took extra care of it.
other shoes, either due to low quality or overuse and abused, were retired. because it can only take so much. when neglected, if abused, it can lose a heel, can get detached from the sole, or have a hole big enough that you would know if its heads or tail when you step on a coin. its an inevitable casualty.
and the thing is, with love, there's no Mr. Quicky to put it back to shape.
Labels: love drunk, realizations
& our love goes round and round;
2/21/2007 10:54:00 AM
|
"nagpaka-puta po ako"
February 07, 2007
those were the first set of words that came our of my mouth when my boss asked how our presentation went. and it's true, but nothing too vulgar. i just took off the first layer of my top to reveal my extra tight orange tank top. for the love of advertising.
don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds. i presented creatives for a new slimming product that targets the bilbil (everyone say yehey!) and what better way to illustrate our concept than to show the world my bilbil-full waist. (you'll understand this more when our ad gets published, that is if they choose us over 2 more agencies)
that's the thing about our work, sometimes, kesihodang humiga ka sa table, if that would give your presentation that little more omphf, then by all means, lie the friggin down. nothing illegal and immoral though, just plain business. don't worry, i don't plan on sleeping with any client.
as the seniors taught me during our workshop, sometimes, it's all about showmanship.
anyway, i hope it worked. and i hope they make me their before and after girl. hehehe! and if i have to take theater lessons, if it would cure my stutter during presentations, then i guess i will have to consider that.
aaah, and they say drama only exist in theater.
Labels: current events, realizations
& our love goes round and round;
2/07/2007 04:04:00 PM
|
im no shoe gal
February 06, 2007
i know that. im not even a make-up-dress-up type. so you can just imagine how i felt when we were told that we were required to attend a "strategic dressing" workshop where one of the modules was "doing make-up". not to mention that i was the only junior in the group, the only one falling under the 25 below age group.
when i opened this up to my mom, she immediately told me that its about time that i went to this kind of workshops, commenting on my horrible taste in office clothes like i was dressing myself in rags for years. She has been bugging me to wear this very bank-teller-type blazer with friggin shoulder pads! i don't care if it makes my shoulder proportionate or if its not really that big to be noticed, i refuse to wear an apparel that looks as if it was taken from the uniform storage of a bank from the 70's. over my proportion-less body!
Then she went on about my need to buy "appropriate" clothes. (lend me your plastic for a day, you'll be proud of me, that is before seeing the bill) then the story somehow got us to how her boss used to treat her like dirt before and how now he can't decide without her.
As she went on with her stories, i started to think of the coming workshop. why was i included among the group of seniors? it could only mean 2 things:
1. as my mom pointed out to me somewhere between her career stories and my clothing preferences, that i might be regarded as not-a-junior-not-yet-a-senior (you know like the not-a-girl-not-yet-a-woman thing) or that's the direction they are gearing me to take, so as early as now, im taking shifted to that path.
2. this won in my head - that i was that bad at carrying myself. and still, that i was expected to step up. i mean, i was personally told never to wear happy feet to the office by our CEO, and im constantly told to fix myself. i must look pretty hopeless in my big-polo-shirt-and-jeans ensemble.
so i was determined to learn, or at least hear the other side of it. i've always preached that i was the "comfort-over-fashion" type of person, im not a shoe-gal (slippers-gal maybe), nor a bag lady, although i appreciate great bags every once in a while. my style is very much like what i am, laid back. but apparently, as ms ivy has attested, laid back is only acceptable in Australia (so yeah, im thinking about moving there. imagine going to work in board shorts and my trusty battalion of slippers, then go surfing during lunch...beach is the life my man!)
but since i live in the business center of the metropolis, i guess it doesn't give me much choice,does it? yes i am a creative officer, but I'm still under a media company. and i am supposed to dress like everyone else, with a touch of my own style. the thing is my style now became unacceptable.
So im caught in a style limbo. i have to find a style acceptable to my current environment and myself. and thanks to the workshop, i got some idea, although im still looking for that signature look. and yes, i need mullah to pull off a total transformation, well, maybe not totally different. but we'll see...
also, i just wanted to share, the moderator of the workshop commented that i somehow looked like Julie Vega, uhmmm... generation gap! who is she? so i googled her, and can i just say that i don't look anything like her.
anyway, on other workshop news, i cried after presenting. well, after getting grilled that is. its not that they were all ganging up on me, it's actually the opposite. i appreciate the critics made, i know i need those more than anyone. it was not because of that. the pressure of public speaking slowly crept its ugly head and by the time i hear my colleagues' comments on my improvement, my facade crumbled and i was reduced to tears.
GADEMIT!
But anyway, it was a good learning experience, tears and all. Goodluck fellow juniors who will be on the spot this Thurs. most of you don't need most of the modules since most of you, unlike me, dress well, but i hope you make the best of it. i think i did
Labels: career, current events, realizations
& our love goes round and round;
2/06/2007 11:16:00 AM
|
cold january
January 10, 2007
I started writing this last 10th but didn’t get the chance to finish it. Yes it took this long for me to get back to this. Busy, busy January... so take your most comfortable position, this would take a while---
For some reason, it still feels like Christmas, with the weather being this cold especially during the night. I know the cold season would at least last until early Feb. but it seems colder now than it was last December.
For that reason I went in this morning with very cold undies. (This might be a little too much for some but I don’t care, you can skip this paragraph all together if you like) why you might ask? Well I didn’t have time to do laundry over the weekend, actually I have but I wanted to devote Sunday solely to sleep and DVD marathons, so anyway, I was really planning on doing laundry Monday night, at least for the undergarments since I’m running out of undies, but something came up, and what was supposed to be a dinner out with a little beer turned out to be a dinner, beer, band, bar, some more beer, and very early breakfast. So, naturally, I postponed doing laundry. (I even came in the office around noon, hehe! I slept at 6am, what do you expect!) So come Tues. night I know I HAVE to do it, because my box is empty. But even though I had it done by 8pm, when I checked on it this morning, it was still semi-wet. Shit. So I hanged it in front of the fan for "speed drying" and went to the office wearing a very cold-bacon-gartered-undies (it was the first to "dry" since its thin, hehe) I was walking along ayala checking whether there was a wet spot in my bottom, baka mag-moist. hahahaha!
Anyway, my birthday came and passed like any other day. Usually its my most awaited time of the year, not because of the gifts, it was never about that. For me it’s the best way to start the year. Me and my friends have a reason to get together, indulge my mom's specialties and drink until the next morning, sharing stories from past and present, and if lucky, have a videoke on standby, just to make a fool of ourselves even more.
This year I saved for the party. And the fact that I won a karavision machine made me doubly excited. Free karaoke! But instead of being the happiest week of the year, it became one of the loneliest.
I miss my friends. I miss them so much it hurts. Because I know we wont be complete this year. That it doesn’t matter if I have money for food and booze, and karaoke for fun if the people I want to have fun with are not all there.
elaine made an overseas call a little after 12midnight. That’s the bursting point for me. I tried the hardest not to cry at first but when she called, sorry pal. That was it. I was quiet at the other end, not letting her hear my sobs; she thought we had a bad connection so she dropped the call. I felt so bad, but I couldn’t speak. I cried for a few more minutes, just to get it out of my system.
I learned that when you are in pain, its better to deal with it, let the burden overpower you. It’s ok to cry. But don’t over do it. Cry as much as you have to, and when you think you've cried it out, stop and move on. The emptiness might take time to subside, or maybe it never will, but it should never take over you. At the end of the day, you are still the one who should be in control.
So after a few minutes, I stopped, wiped my face dry and breathe. Not being oa and neither for drama, but the moment I stopped, it started to rain. I took it as a sign that like the rain, my tears wash the pain I kept inside and tomorrow promises a clear bright sky. I felt blest.
Blessed with friends, both near and far. Blessed with a family that loves me. Blessed with someone who would hold my hand at my darkest hour, and without a word, would let me know that he's just there.
---
Why it took so long to blog?
Because I’m busy, really, I am. I didn’t get enough sleep the past 3 weeks. There’s the supplier’s party last Jan 5 (in which our team won 2nd btw. Wooot wooot!) I sang sun and moon and a whole new world with Khai. Pootangina! I had never been that nervous in my entire life! Performing live in front of 100++ people is not an easy task, not to mention having to follow a great singer like Ames, who accidentally sang a song from Ms Saigon too. Punyeta! I was trembling!
Anyway, we got 2nd so its good enough for me. And the best thing is the suppliers enjoyed the party. It was for them so shiyet, buti!
I also helped out on the design of the venue, so doing that, plus prac. my songs and doing the presentation avp for our group, and also some of the props. Let’s just say that I didn’t even dare to drink more than 3 bottles that night for fear that I might pass out not of drunk’ness but of low energy. As in I was literally low batt by the end of the party.
But at least I took nice photos of the other team, thanks to sir nick and to his very heavy but very very nice dslr with 2GB mem. Hehe! ALAVET! I want one!
Anyway, after that, I didn’t stop, we had a press launch to fix by the 18th, as in we need to do everything in 2 weeks. Ang saya. I’m not yet sure about the real feedback of the client, we are still yet to regroup maybe later this week. But for now, with everything that we went through for it, id like to convince myself that it was a success.
I missed work the day after the launch, I couldn’t get up. My whole body was soar, my head was throbbing, my eyes felt like steam was coming out of it and my asthma, oh dear, it took the perfect timing to surface. I thought I was catching a fever. I covered myself up with 2 thick comforters so I could sweat it out. Thankfully, after pails of sweat, I felt better. I slept most of the weekend. Waking up to take a bath, eat, and watch tsismis (you know I need to watch this) I didn’t bother going home to LP, I didn’t want to move unless necessary. I was married to my bed that weekend.
This week, I’m expecting more work. I have a few lined up, finished some today with a few revisions here and there. We have sets of training coming up, a bridal shower to plan (whhooooopppeeeeeeeeeee! Let’s do it ten! Hehehe!) and a nice comfy bed to save for. I hope the trip to dos palmas push throught. I don’t care if the place has a nasty history to it, I need beach…I deserve a beach trip! Hmpf!
Labels: career, current events, emo mode, lingering thoughts, realizations, travel
& our love goes round and round;
1/10/2007 12:58:00 PM
|
Changes
November 30, 2006
no matter how many times we are reminded that "there's nothing constant in this life but change", we poeple still tend to fear it, and resist it. we got too comfortable with where we are that we dont want to move on.
but that's how things are, you have to move on, you have to grow up. but changing never meant forgetting. what has been is part of what is, and what will be. there's no going around that.
changes can be challenging, yes, but that's the beauty of it. wouldn't life be too boring if everything is just given to you, no struggles whatsoever?
so im breaking the walls ive put up around my comfort zone and moving to the unknown. this will be a struggle getting used to doing things differently. but that's cool. at least i know i can have my brain firing millions of neurons all over the place, as if in a war zone.
i like my view from here. from the top. im in beta now (yiiiihhhaaaa!)
***template made using blogger beta and adobe photoshop. 6hours...six hours! i need to learn xml, html is so yesterday! hehe***
Labels: change, realizations
& our love goes round and round;
11/30/2006 02:54:00 PM
|
