trust, loyalty and understanding.
January 29, 2007
it's very tricky, that trust. it's not easy to give and even harder to regain once tarnished. but people can be too harsh and most of the time, thinks highly of themselves. when you think you can trust someone to be the first the understand you, most of the time, they are the first to turn their back. Loyalties can be altered, and priorities can change.
that's life, they say. yeah. i guess it is.
so the lesson? you can't trust eveeryone.
in my case, i resist the lesson, i trust people, sometimes more than i should. and most often than not, that trait of mine burns me.
*see, it wasn't about taking sides, im not saying that i'm not at fault, but you know very well how it is. you say you know me but you can't explain why this happened to someone who would only openly say things to you, and would always dismiss things as "okay" when i ask. i understand that he might be uncomfartable with talking to me about this things yet, but you were supposed to be a mediator. i just hope you made my arguement clearer, so that no insecurities and isuues arise. you want fair? then be fair.
you kept asking what if you did what i did, i really really wanted to say, you know what, i wont care. because helping and understanding someone i consider a friend is, and will never be a big issue for me. you need it, shit happens, i know, i'm right here to back you up. but i let you do your speech, taking everything you say, and at the end, apologized.
i guess it was my fault, that i gave in to my parents' insistent demands. and its also my fault to assume that you would be fine with it, that you know my parents like i know them and you'd know there's no point at resisting.
i guess its also my fault that i kept my personal life separate from work. that not disclosing things about you and him was unnecessary. that shielding you from open criticism, and uncalled for comments was not needed.maybe i was being over the top at protecting our world.
so here is my apology. a sincere one, from the things i did, said, and did not say.
but from now on, i only trust myself. i will still be as understanding as i can, a passive aggressive, but passive nonetheless. and as for loyalties, ill learn to be selective of it. this time, I'm not going to let myself be blinded by my childish ideals. i have to grow up, or the world is going to eat me alive.*
Labels: current events, emo mode, rantings
& our love goes round and round;
1/29/2007 11:24:00 AM
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i love this song!
January 25, 2007
Martyr Nyebera
Kamikazee ,fet Mae, Begay, & Rôuge
Kinukumpleto mo ang araw ko
Sa tuwing inaaway mo
Pag gising sa umaga
Mukha mo ang nakita
Wala pang nagawa naka simangot na
At pag sapit ng gabi
Tampo lalong lumalaki
Ang gusto ko lambingan
Ngunit may unan na namamagitan, ahhh
[chorus]
Ang almusal ay sigawan
Ang hapunan natin ay tampuhan
Ang merienda pagdududa
Pero mahal kita
Wala ng hahanapin pang iba
Handa akong mag tiis
Kahit na away away away nato!
Nahuli lang ng ilang minuto
Di na kinibo
Na trapik lang sa kanto
Di naman gwapo
Naisip mo agad nang chicks ako
Simple lang naman
Ang pinag-mulan
Pinahaba ang usapan
Di naman kailangan
Mahabang away nanaman, ahhh
[chorus]
Kahit na sabihin
Na naliligo ka sa sampay
Di mo masasabi
Na hindi kita minamahal
Ang daming mong babae
Wala ka pang trabaho
Ngunit kahit ganun
Ay nandito lang ako
Nandito lang ako
& our love goes round and round;
1/25/2007 01:02:00 PM
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cold january
January 10, 2007
I started writing this last 10th but didn’t get the chance to finish it. Yes it took this long for me to get back to this. Busy, busy January... so take your most comfortable position, this would take a while---
For some reason, it still feels like Christmas, with the weather being this cold especially during the night. I know the cold season would at least last until early Feb. but it seems colder now than it was last December.
For that reason I went in this morning with very cold undies. (This might be a little too much for some but I don’t care, you can skip this paragraph all together if you like) why you might ask? Well I didn’t have time to do laundry over the weekend, actually I have but I wanted to devote Sunday solely to sleep and DVD marathons, so anyway, I was really planning on doing laundry Monday night, at least for the undergarments since I’m running out of undies, but something came up, and what was supposed to be a dinner out with a little beer turned out to be a dinner, beer, band, bar, some more beer, and very early breakfast. So, naturally, I postponed doing laundry. (I even came in the office around noon, hehe! I slept at 6am, what do you expect!) So come Tues. night I know I HAVE to do it, because my box is empty. But even though I had it done by 8pm, when I checked on it this morning, it was still semi-wet. Shit. So I hanged it in front of the fan for "speed drying" and went to the office wearing a very cold-bacon-gartered-undies (it was the first to "dry" since its thin, hehe) I was walking along ayala checking whether there was a wet spot in my bottom, baka mag-moist. hahahaha!
Anyway, my birthday came and passed like any other day. Usually its my most awaited time of the year, not because of the gifts, it was never about that. For me it’s the best way to start the year. Me and my friends have a reason to get together, indulge my mom's specialties and drink until the next morning, sharing stories from past and present, and if lucky, have a videoke on standby, just to make a fool of ourselves even more.
This year I saved for the party. And the fact that I won a karavision machine made me doubly excited. Free karaoke! But instead of being the happiest week of the year, it became one of the loneliest.
I miss my friends. I miss them so much it hurts. Because I know we wont be complete this year. That it doesn’t matter if I have money for food and booze, and karaoke for fun if the people I want to have fun with are not all there.
elaine made an overseas call a little after 12midnight. That’s the bursting point for me. I tried the hardest not to cry at first but when she called, sorry pal. That was it. I was quiet at the other end, not letting her hear my sobs; she thought we had a bad connection so she dropped the call. I felt so bad, but I couldn’t speak. I cried for a few more minutes, just to get it out of my system.
I learned that when you are in pain, its better to deal with it, let the burden overpower you. It’s ok to cry. But don’t over do it. Cry as much as you have to, and when you think you've cried it out, stop and move on. The emptiness might take time to subside, or maybe it never will, but it should never take over you. At the end of the day, you are still the one who should be in control.
So after a few minutes, I stopped, wiped my face dry and breathe. Not being oa and neither for drama, but the moment I stopped, it started to rain. I took it as a sign that like the rain, my tears wash the pain I kept inside and tomorrow promises a clear bright sky. I felt blest.
Blessed with friends, both near and far. Blessed with a family that loves me. Blessed with someone who would hold my hand at my darkest hour, and without a word, would let me know that he's just there.
---
Why it took so long to blog?
Because I’m busy, really, I am. I didn’t get enough sleep the past 3 weeks. There’s the supplier’s party last Jan 5 (in which our team won 2nd btw. Wooot wooot!) I sang sun and moon and a whole new world with Khai. Pootangina! I had never been that nervous in my entire life! Performing live in front of 100++ people is not an easy task, not to mention having to follow a great singer like Ames, who accidentally sang a song from Ms Saigon too. Punyeta! I was trembling!
Anyway, we got 2nd so its good enough for me. And the best thing is the suppliers enjoyed the party. It was for them so shiyet, buti!
I also helped out on the design of the venue, so doing that, plus prac. my songs and doing the presentation avp for our group, and also some of the props. Let’s just say that I didn’t even dare to drink more than 3 bottles that night for fear that I might pass out not of drunk’ness but of low energy. As in I was literally low batt by the end of the party.
But at least I took nice photos of the other team, thanks to sir nick and to his very heavy but very very nice dslr with 2GB mem. Hehe! ALAVET! I want one!
Anyway, after that, I didn’t stop, we had a press launch to fix by the 18th, as in we need to do everything in 2 weeks. Ang saya. I’m not yet sure about the real feedback of the client, we are still yet to regroup maybe later this week. But for now, with everything that we went through for it, id like to convince myself that it was a success.
I missed work the day after the launch, I couldn’t get up. My whole body was soar, my head was throbbing, my eyes felt like steam was coming out of it and my asthma, oh dear, it took the perfect timing to surface. I thought I was catching a fever. I covered myself up with 2 thick comforters so I could sweat it out. Thankfully, after pails of sweat, I felt better. I slept most of the weekend. Waking up to take a bath, eat, and watch tsismis (you know I need to watch this) I didn’t bother going home to LP, I didn’t want to move unless necessary. I was married to my bed that weekend.
This week, I’m expecting more work. I have a few lined up, finished some today with a few revisions here and there. We have sets of training coming up, a bridal shower to plan (whhooooopppeeeeeeeeeee! Let’s do it ten! Hehehe!) and a nice comfy bed to save for. I hope the trip to dos palmas push throught. I don’t care if the place has a nasty history to it, I need beach…I deserve a beach trip! Hmpf!
Labels: career, current events, emo mode, lingering thoughts, realizations, travel
& our love goes round and round;
1/10/2007 12:58:00 PM
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