Nothingness, at last...
March 30, 2007
I took mon-wed next week off, meaning,,I have 10 days of nothingness. Hay salamat!
I’m going diving tom at Anilao, and originally I was planning to go directly to galera after the daytrip and spend the rest of my days there (well, at least until I have to go back to work) a little low on doughs so, you know, no bora for me this year, unless my mom treat us. Hehe!
Hay im excited. An hour and fifteen more minutes of cold processed office air..KONTI NALANG DEAR.
Brrrrr....
Expect me not to reply immediately, or miss calls, the next few days. My phone would be under my bed and in silent mode.
This 10 days would be spent doing absolutely nothing. I promise. I mean, come on, I badly need a break. Photos of the coming days on April 10. (if I manage to take any. i miss having a phone with a camera. I wish I could buy my own camera soon...)
My mind is already flaoting...
An hour and 4 minutes to go
& our love goes round and round;
3/30/2007 04:58:00 PM
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Hmmm..true...
You entered: ciara loreen lomat mojica
There are 22 letters in your name.
Those 22 letters total to 96
There are 11 vowels and 11 consonants in your name.
What your first name means:
Irish Female Saint or Dark. Feminine of Ciaran. (kamusta naman ang saint or dark na yan...a contradiction, even in irish. Tsk)
Your number is: 6
The characteristics of #6 are: Responsibility, protection, nurturing, community, balance, sympathy.
The expression or destiny for #6:
The number 6 Expression provides you a truly outstanding sense of responsibility, love, and balance. The 6 is helpful and ever conscientious, making you quite capable of rectifying and balancing any sort of inharmonious situation. You are a person very much inclined to give help and comfort to those in need. You have a natural penchant for working with the old, the young, the sick, or the underprivileged. Although you may have considerable creative and artistic talents, the chances are that you will devote yourself to an occupation that shows concern for the betterment of the community.
The positive side of the number 6 suggests that you are very loving, friendly, and appreciative of others. You have a depth of understanding that produces much sympathetic, kindness, and generosity. The qualities of the 6 make the finest and most concerned parent and one often deeply involved in domestic activities. Openness and honesty is apparent in your approach to all relationships.
If there is an excess of the number 6 in your makeup, you may exhibit some of the negative traits associated with this number. There may be a tendency for you to be too exacting and demanding of yourself. In this regard, you may at times sacrifice yourself (or your loved ones) for the welfare of others. In some cases, the over zealous 6 has difficulty distinguishing helping from interfering. You may have difficulty expressing your own individuality, because of involvement with responsibilities and causes. Like all with the Expression of the number 6, it's quite likely that you worry much too much.
Your Soul Urge number is: 5
A Soul Urge number of 5 means:
The 5 soul urge or motivation would like to follow a life of freedom, excitement, adventure and unexpected happening. The idea of travel and freedom to roam intrigues you. You are very much the adventurer at heart. Not particularly concerned about your future or about getting ahead, you can seem superficial and unmotivated.
In a positive sense, the energies of the number 5 make you very adaptable and versatile. You have a natural resourcefulness and enthusiasm that may mark you as a progressive with a good mind and active imagination. You seem to have a natural inclination to be a pace-setter. You are attracted to the unusual and the fast paced.
You may be overly restless and impatient at times. You may dislike the routine work that you are engaged in, and tend to jump from activity to activity, without ever finishing anything. You may have difficulty with responsibility. You don't want to be tied down to a relationship, and it may be hard to commit to one person.
Your Inner Dream number is: 1
An Inner Dream number of 1 means:
You dream of being a leader and one who is in charge. You want to be known for your courage, daring, and original ideas. You seek unconquered heights. People may get a first impression that you are very aggressive and sure of yourself.
& our love goes round and round;
3/30/2007 04:39:00 PM
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Random nerves
March 29, 2007
Today is the day..and I’m scared, because it did not start out good.
I’ve only had 2 sips of my coffee and yet my heart is already pounding. To think that I’m not event he one to present, kamusta naman yun...
I even left my lunch at home..bv.
I can feel it, I can feel the universe conspiring to ruin my day.
Relax ciara, a few more hours...
---
I still have no plans for this long long weekend. Damn it! But I don’t want to go home either, I don’t want to go to the province, I’m not sure I’m ready to face some people, I wouldn’t know what to say.
Ayoko nang magtaray.
---
The ad that got me on my toes last christmas break, and got me all nervous the first day of work when everyone was just hanging around fixing their things and waiting for their computers to be installed, apparently did not come out. And I found out just now, it’s almost April for crying out loud!!!
I knew in my heart that I called that day to ask them to check if the ad came out, and someone said yes, and yet, here I am, in a loss of what to do. Because everyone, even our monitoring program, is telling me that it wasn’t published. And since we don’t have a PC or even a fax machine, I made all the transaction thru my mobile phone and our office landline. And the more fucked up thing is, I erased the messages from January two months ago.
So now I have nothing with me to prove that it was arranged, that it was supposed to come out, and that someone told me that it did so I didn’t bother buying a newspaper to check (we didn’t have papers then, our office was a mess from renovation, and everyone was busy fixing their things.)
Its supposed to be a regular ad, it comes out every tues for the whole year. It’s an insurance company thing, and from what I know, is something they do to abide with the law.
Fuck. FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!
This is going to be a veeeerrrryyyy long day.
---
It’s what you don’t say
It’s how you make me feel
It’s those silent moments
The empty stares
That can make me the happiest
Or the saddest soul in the world
& our love goes round and round;
3/29/2007 10:56:00 AM
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it's saturday, and im in the office
March 24, 2007
dont ask why, i just am.
gawd i'll be so glad if things would go swiftly from this moment on until 6pm thursday, which i know woont be possible unless i sell sell my soul, which i wont. hay!
anyway, to destress last night, i played PS (congratulate me, i only play fri-sun now...hehe), harvestmoon as usual. as of last night, i already got married and i have a kid. my cow is pregnant as well, and my land is jampacked, but im still poor :( darn it!
anyway,, for fun, i made my wife and i's pet name "bitch", so i laugh everytime she talks to me, as in mala "i love you, bitch" hahahahahahah! sabaw! and i named my son rafa, after rafael nadal. i watched his championship fight last thurs and i still cant get over it. GO RAFA! WHOOOT WHOOOOT!
SO, anyway, im going home to las pinas today so, no PS, id probably play on sun night na, and next weekend, we'll go to Batangas. DIVING! OMG! I CANT WAIT!
its the perfect gift i can give myself after this launch..hay grabe! and i also want to join the zambales trip this holy week, but, you know, i still cant tell...kung may pera pa. and, if ms ros wont go, i dont think i will. maybe id just plan another one later this year together with the boyps and crew.
hay, its been a while since ive been to the beach. and i really really need to recharge! oa na to! ang bata ko pa para ma burn out.
or am i just not really cut out for this.
hay..
here i go again.
anyway, befor i wallow in self pity, i think i better leave. my stomach's protesting already, i havent eaten anything yet. sa bahay na..
so yeah, hafta go. wish me luck this coming week. worse than hell week. shiyet
Labels: rantings
& our love goes round and round;
3/24/2007 01:43:00 PM
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a very disturbing dream
March 22, 2007
it's usually not surprising that i dream of someone kissing me. for one, its a dream, and second, it sort of became a sign for me because usually, the person involved became either my short time crush or long time obsession. i know, its wierd, im wierd that way. before i even admit to myself that i like someone, i dream about him first, but not just any dream, along the way he had to kiss me, usuually on the cheek or the forehead.
but last night was different. i struggled at waking myself upin the middle of it but I CANT!
i cant remember the whole dream but that part, omaigad! i remember seeing him with a little boy. since he's a friend of mine, i came closer to say hi. you can just imagine my shock when he hugged me. (i was thinking as myself in my dream which do not happen everytime.usually the me in my dreams act and think on their own and i end up being an audience to everything) but then, i did not react, i think i was too shocked to. i just thought that he was just being makulit, because while he was hugging me he was playing with the kid (who i think is supposed to be his son)
i tried to move away, but he suddenly kissed me...on the LIPS...TWICE! and i was frozen the whole time. he told me he loved me, i stared back, maybe he thought i did not hear him so he said it again, by this time i had goosebumps all over, bad ones, and i was already trying to wake myself up. WHAT'S HAPPENING! then he hugged me again and said something like "tandaan mo yun..(remember that)" and he left with the kid.
I remember standing there for a few more minutes, not moving a muscle, not even blinking, then all of a sudden i woke up.
i know, i might sound a little paranoid, getting all anxious over a dream, but, i dont know, dreams of that sort is special to me, its my warning. and this one has a new twist. the kiss was on the lips instead of the usual cheek or forehead. and the three words were spoken twice. (there's usually no proclamation of feeling whatsoever in the past) and the most omaigad thing of all is, he's the bf of a friend. eeeek! no way!
i dont even know how he ended up in my dream, do i think about him? ah, no. i mean sure, i see him alot, but that's because he is you-dont-need-to-know's bf.
oh gawd, eventhough its just a dream i felt sick to the stomach, as if it really happened. seriously!
ano ba kasi itong mga panaginip ko. pls let this not be another one of my love "premonitions". oh god, no! that's off limits, as in. ayoko! YAK! (no offense, but..you know!)
oh gawd! i can't get over it, goose bumps all over!
--
speaking of boys, just this week, i was with alvin (grabe perfect timing) when my phone rang, but i missed it, and it registered a number not saved in my PB, so i thought it might be one of those contact i lost when my old phone went whacko on me. he was nearer my phone and he saw it first (i was cooking, i think) he asked me who it was. of course i said i dont know, how could i?
so i told him to just text the number and ask who it was. and unluckily for me, it replied.
"this is bill, you're no. is on my PB." he read out loud. i froze
"Who's bill?" he said, "i dont know!" i quickly answered. but i perfectly know who it was. pero shempre, deny, he doesnt have to know who that is, im not planning on replying anyway.
to refresh your memory, bill was that model who i danced with at the after party of cosmo bachelors (dont look him up, he is not gwapo!but he does have a fab bod) i remember him stopping me on my tracks at the middle of the dance floor and just started dancing, ako naman, sumayaw den. hahahahaha!
the next thing i knew we were back at the table with my friends, then he was being all flirty, and i couldn't care less, so i just let him do his stuff and try to appear a bit interested. and then...well. jumping now, he wanted me to go home with him to QC in his "bike" i was like, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IM NOT A PICK UP CHICK YOU ASS! but of course i did not say that. i told him i had to go, i asked my guy friends to accompany me out and wait until im inside a cab. freaky!
and this was the funny and at the same time yucky part. before i went, he pulled me again, raised his shirt and ran my hand over his abs. i wanted to laugh and puke, but i stopped myself in time, pulled my guy friend and left absinth! gawd! how vain can you be? he sure loved himself.
anyway, days after that i got a text, it was him, at first i thought who bill was, i dont remember giving my no. to someone named bill. someone must have tripped on me and gave him my no. naku! wag na sya ulit magtext!! EWWWWW!!!!
and by the way, that "bike" he was talking about, like it was so macho and stuff, was a scooter. gawdeymit, he's a scooterboy! YUCK HA!
Labels: current events
& our love goes round and round;
3/22/2007 09:24:00 AM
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March 21, 2007
This past few days had been nerve wrecking, and brewing tensions had been unleashed. but my efforts to be detached from it seemed to be put in vain. no matter how much i distant myself, a part of me still secretly wishes that it did not go this far.
but i also knew it had to happen. things needed be let out. but not by me. there are things i cant, and have no right to speak of, in the first place, i know little, and secondly, I'm in no position to. its hard to get your heart broken, and for me, its equally as hard to break someone's heart.
there is no easy way to tell someone you don't love them, or you love them, or they have failed you, or you messed up again and got yourself pregnant for the second time when you are still in high school, or that they need to grow up and take responsibility of themselves, or you are about to give up... it's not easy hearing these news, but its not easy being the one to give it either. how do you start? how do you react? how can you make it less painful? you can't.
But as I said, it had to happen.
i know there can be a million and one interpretations for every little thing, and not all of it would be good. But im going to try my best to make it not my problem anymore, at least most of it. i have too many things crammed in my mind, im sure it would explode if i add more.
pardon me, but for now, i must shut myself out, i can't think and feel for everyone all at the same time. if people only knew, if you can only take a peek inside my head, you'd be surprised i can still joke around and smile. not that it's all fake, but that's my own way of dealing with things. for now.
Labels: rantings
& our love goes round and round;
3/21/2007 06:57:00 PM
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Bago umuwi
March 12, 2007
I actually have nothing important to blog about, just that I finished barnyard and im in my chapter 1 summer of Harvest moon. I know. Its so kiddoz of me. But farm life fascinates me. Hehehe!
So into it, I didn’t care if the CD has a crack, I still do everything I can to make it work.
So into it, I downloaded walkthrough’s and guides from the net.
So into it that I read the damn 20+ page walkthrough.
So into it, I’m so affected and literally thinking a lot about who i’m going to choose to be my wife (im a guy in the game and there are 4 propective wifeys.)
So into it, I’m already thinking of what im going to name my son.
So into it, I organized the different crops/trees/hybrids in a table by season and price and composition (hybrids)..in excel.
I know. I know.
But what can I do? It’s my de-stresser. After MSKM that is. W/c, BTW, im expect to be more and more exciting (and more *kilig*) in the coming days.
Eli is bound to wake up from his power tripping. I mean, come on! Get over it! He can’t walk for Chrisake! Besides, you better start listening to EVERYONE who, if you haven’t noticed, do not feel at ease with mang oca! Seriously.
(yes,, I get this engrossed on telenovelas and PS2 games, just have to deal with it!)
& our love goes round and round;
3/12/2007 07:29:00 PM
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reality check
March 05, 2007
the jig's up, there is absolutely nothing special about me. and the things i do? they are but mediocre. there's nothing new, or even worthwhile that i have contributed to anything or anyone. i wake up each morning trying to be what people expect me to be, but you know what, i probably can't reach any of thse expectations even if i die... i am not meant for anything great. just plain me. nothing extrordinary here. in everything that i can do, there's not one that im relly really god at, you know, there's nothing that i excel in. yes i can do many things, but everything's at average.
i guess that's all there is to me. the test scores weren't accurate, i was not above average. i am just an average girl fooling myself that i can pull this off. to those who trusted and believed in me, im sorry for letting you down. i tried. but thinking about what's happening now makes me realize one thing. im nothing but an alcoholic wannabe.
Labels: rantings
& our love goes round and round;
3/05/2007 06:54:00 PM
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little Miss SUNSHINE
Watching little Miss SUNSHINE was refreshing. it's comedy was not the usual slap stick, or joke-stuff, that are abundant in film now-a-days. the comedy comes from the situations. and the symbolism, abundant.
there were 6 main characters, each with significant roles and different stories. the movie was about the family's journey to California, so that Olive, the youngest among the lot, could join a beauty pageant called "Little Miss Sunshine"
it started by establishing the role of each character. Olive, a beauty pageant hopeful, red boots and all. Her dad Richard, the overachiever. Her brother Dwayne, the aspiring air force jet pilot. Her grandpa, the heroine sniffing sex obsessed senior. Her mom Sheryl, the devoted mother, wife, daughter in law, and sister. and Uncle Frank, the suicidal gay proust genius.
watching it made me realize one universal truth. that whatever shit happens, you will always, ALWAYS, have your family.
in the movie, each character have their own struggle, but what keeps them intact is the fact that they are a family. and no one can and ever will be able to change or ruin that. dysfunctional as it may be, when you most need them, they are there to push you to get to where you want to go.
the lesson was bittersweet...you laugh at the situations that the family get themselves into, but at the same time, you get the profoundness of it. each role, even the van and the pageant, is a symbolism. i found pieces of myself not only in one character or place or thing. beautifully written and well directed.
i loved the part when Olive was talking to her grandpa and asked if she is beautiful. it showed unconditional love at its purest.
and the honesty and innocence of Olive was so remarkable, you'd wish you were eight again.
i also wanted to quote uncle frank but id have to watch it again to get everything that he said. it was about how the darkest times in your life are the most meaningful ones, and those times that you are happy are the most boring times of your life because you don't learn anything.
come to think of it, he has a point. it was when i was in my lowest that i learn things most valuable to my existence. it was during these times that i can gauge just how much i've grown, and how much i know myself.
anyway, watch the film, i know you'll love it. its funny at the right places. i always laughed out loud when they had to restart the van cause they'd all be pushing it from behind and then one by one run and jump in. it was hilarious! and the part when they left Olive at the gas station. then when they came back for her, they couldn't stop coz then they'd have to push all over again so the little tyke had to run for it. priceless. and btw, her "talent" for the show, SCANDALOUS!
and although there are little mistakes with regards to continuity, its tolerable. and still, there were beautiful shots (like when dwayne found out he was color blind. there was a shot there when Olive went to "talk" to dwayne, and she just rested her head on his shoulder, with the 3 adults at the background, the yellow misplaced van with the beautiful blue sky as contrast. pang wallpaper!)
so yeah, i highly recommend this film. a good start people. i just hope there would be more films like this to come.
Labels: reviews
& our love goes round and round;
3/05/2007 03:22:00 PM
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the aftermath
March 01, 2007
yesterday, i hit rock bottom. by far, that was the lowest ive been in my life. every urge to keep it all inside was overpowered by all the pain that came from the stressful months i have just been through. its tough, and i know i need to toughen as well, or else, ill crumble everytime life throws something at me.
recalling everything that had happened, especially yesterday, still get's me choked up with tears. i had the chance to open everything, as in everything to a friend of mine through, might i say, a very lengthy email. although it would have been better with her beside me, i know its impossible, she risides in a different continent already. but im still thankful to technology. i just hope she takes my word for it and not call me, or ill cry again. (tears were falling and i was trembling profusely as i was writing the email.)
all i can do now surrender everything to God and hope that He would give me a sort of sign, so i would know what i should do. this can not continue. i can not always be fixing everyone else's mess. im not a saint. and i do not have a heart of steel. i CAN feel pain. i suffer. i have limitations.
But i will go through this, i've already let go of most anxieties thru the letter i made. Admitting everything to my friend also help me admit alot to myself, especially about how i feel. and today, i have never felt more free. and more closer to God.
I know, some might find it wierd, im a self confessed non-catholic (by choice) although i was born one. but i do believe that there is a God, whatever they want to call Him. Im not religious but i would like to think that i am very spiritual. and that, i know, is what's been keeping me intact. and im thankful.
+++
i had a dream, i dreamt that i died. and instead of my whole life flashing before me, i was posed with one question. the question was simple.
Are you ready to die?
it was like a challenge. i was dying and asking myself if i was ready, as if i had a choice. but then it took me a while to digest it. and i couldn't utter an answer. it would be easy to say NO. but i couldn't. because i know i should be.
everyone should be. so do everything you can while you still can do it. cry if you have to. but learn to let go of excess baggages. forgive. move on. hope for the best for other people. strive to be the best that you can be. carpe diem! life is too short to be sad all the time.
Labels: emo mode, realizations
& our love goes round and round;
3/01/2007 03:03:00 PM
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