trust, loyalty and understanding.

January 29, 2007 it's very tricky, that trust. it's not easy to give and even harder to regain once tarnished. but people can be too harsh and most of the time, thinks highly of themselves. when you think you can trust someone to be the first the understand you, most of the time, they are the first to turn their back. Loyalties can be altered, and priorities can change.

that's life, they say. yeah. i guess it is.

so the lesson? you can't trust eveeryone.

in my case, i resist the lesson, i trust people, sometimes more than i should. and most often than not, that trait of mine burns me.

*see, it wasn't about taking sides, im not saying that i'm not at fault, but you know very well how it is. you say you know me but you can't explain why this happened to someone who would only openly say things to you, and would always dismiss things as "okay" when i ask. i understand that he might be uncomfartable with talking to me about this things yet, but you were supposed to be a mediator. i just hope you made my arguement clearer, so that no insecurities and isuues arise. you want fair? then be fair.

you kept asking what if you did what i did, i really really wanted to say, you know what, i wont care. because helping and understanding someone i consider a friend is, and will never be a big issue for me. you need it, shit happens, i know, i'm right here to back you up. but i let you do your speech, taking everything you say, and at the end, apologized.

i guess it was my fault, that i gave in to my parents' insistent demands. and its also my fault to assume that you would be fine with it, that you know my parents like i know them and you'd know there's no point at resisting.

i guess its also my fault that i kept my personal life separate from work. that not disclosing things about you and him was unnecessary. that shielding you from open criticism, and uncalled for comments was not needed.maybe i was being over the top at protecting our world.

so here is my apology. a sincere one, from the things i did, said, and did not say.

but from now on, i only trust myself. i will still be as understanding as i can, a passive aggressive, but passive nonetheless. and as for loyalties, ill learn to be selective of it. this time, I'm not going to let myself be blinded by my childish ideals. i have to grow up, or the world is going to eat me alive.*

Labels: current events, emo mode, rantings

random dashboard

so you wont have a hard time buying gifts for me this christmas, here's my long list: (i know, ang aga)

1. Macbook
2. DSLR Camera
3. Diving Equip (in this order: mask, snorkel, fins, wetsuit, regulator, BCD, tank)
4. Dive trip (tubataha or kota k or apo reef or palau...keri na hehe)
5. Shopping spree at Ross/Home depot/Target
6. shoes, any kind with heels not higher than 2" (im 7 1/2)
7. my first ever havaianas (brazzziiiilllll)
8. a beanbag or a cool comfy chair
9. flat screen TV, hehe.
10. a year supply of booze (if beer, RH lang pls)
11. Art materials (any medium, from crayons and coloring books to canvass and acrylics)
12. Drumset or Kahon. (wlang pilosopo)
13. Oven. i want to bake.
14. punching bag and gloves
15. a leather basketball.


Of course, Money is always the best. that way you know i will get what i really want.

And look at it this way, if you give me any of my top 5, i can consider that as an early bday gift as well. hehe :)

Pa-Fedex nalang ah, PM me for my address hehehehe! thanks dear santa clauses!

behind the wheel

still the same ciara, just with more work and longer messier hair. ah and yes, a certified diver now, not that i have the time and money to dive anyway. maybe by november/december/january soon.

traffic jam

linkages

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on reverse

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GPS system

this is my way to stalk all you readers. mwahahahahahahaha! coolness!

credits

1 & 2