the aftermath

March 01, 2007 yesterday, i hit rock bottom. by far, that was the lowest ive been in my life. every urge to keep it all inside was overpowered by all the pain that came from the stressful months i have just been through. its tough, and i know i need to toughen as well, or else, ill crumble everytime life throws something at me.

recalling everything that had happened, especially yesterday, still get's me choked up with tears. i had the chance to open everything, as in everything to a friend of mine through, might i say, a very lengthy email. although it would have been better with her beside me, i know its impossible, she risides in a different continent already. but im still thankful to technology. i just hope she takes my word for it and not call me, or ill cry again. (tears were falling and i was trembling profusely as i was writing the email.)

all i can do now surrender everything to God and hope that He would give me a sort of sign, so i would know what i should do. this can not continue. i can not always be fixing everyone else's mess. im not a saint. and i do not have a heart of steel. i CAN feel pain. i suffer. i have limitations.

But i will go through this, i've already let go of most anxieties thru the letter i made. Admitting everything to my friend also help me admit alot to myself, especially about how i feel. and today, i have never felt more free. and more closer to God.

I know, some might find it wierd, im a self confessed non-catholic (by choice) although i was born one. but i do believe that there is a God, whatever they want to call Him. Im not religious but i would like to think that i am very spiritual. and that, i know, is what's been keeping me intact. and im thankful.

+++

i had a dream, i dreamt that i died. and instead of my whole life flashing before me, i was posed with one question. the question was simple.

Are you ready to die?

it was like a challenge. i was dying and asking myself if i was ready, as if i had a choice. but then it took me a while to digest it. and i couldn't utter an answer. it would be easy to say NO. but i couldn't. because i know i should be.

everyone should be. so do everything you can while you still can do it. cry if you have to. but learn to let go of excess baggages. forgive. move on. hope for the best for other people. strive to be the best that you can be. carpe diem! life is too short to be sad all the time.

Labels: emo mode, realizations

random dashboard

so you wont have a hard time buying gifts for me this christmas, here's my long list: (i know, ang aga)

1. Macbook
2. DSLR Camera
3. Diving Equip (in this order: mask, snorkel, fins, wetsuit, regulator, BCD, tank)
4. Dive trip (tubataha or kota k or apo reef or palau...keri na hehe)
5. Shopping spree at Ross/Home depot/Target
6. shoes, any kind with heels not higher than 2" (im 7 1/2)
7. my first ever havaianas (brazzziiiilllll)
8. a beanbag or a cool comfy chair
9. flat screen TV, hehe.
10. a year supply of booze (if beer, RH lang pls)
11. Art materials (any medium, from crayons and coloring books to canvass and acrylics)
12. Drumset or Kahon. (wlang pilosopo)
13. Oven. i want to bake.
14. punching bag and gloves
15. a leather basketball.


Of course, Money is always the best. that way you know i will get what i really want.

And look at it this way, if you give me any of my top 5, i can consider that as an early bday gift as well. hehe :)

Pa-Fedex nalang ah, PM me for my address hehehehe! thanks dear santa clauses!

behind the wheel

still the same ciara, just with more work and longer messier hair. ah and yes, a certified diver now, not that i have the time and money to dive anyway. maybe by november/december/january soon.

traffic jam

linkages

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on reverse

12/03 01/04 02/04 03/04 04/04 05/04 06/04 07/04 08/04 09/04 10/04 11/04 12/04 01/05 02/05 03/05 04/05 05/05 06/05 07/05 08/05 09/05 10/05 11/05 12/05 01/06 02/06 03/06 04/06 05/06 06/06 07/06 08/06 09/06 10/06 11/06 12/06 01/07 02/07 03/07 04/07 05/07 06/07 07/07 08/07 09/07 10/07 11/07 12/07 01/08 02/08 03/08 04/08 05/08 06/08 07/08 08/08 09/08 10/08 11/08 12/08 01/09 02/09 10/09 12/09 08/10  

GPS system

this is my way to stalk all you readers. mwahahahahahahaha! coolness!

credits

1 & 2