Close, closer, closure

July 04, 2007 i find it weird when people ask me if my lolo and i were close. I mean, he's family, how much closer can we be? we may not be the type to sit down everyday to talk about our everyday lives. i may have only a few anecdotes of him since we don't see much of each other. we don't share your typical closeness which mostly apply between friends.

He is my lolo, my family, a part of who i am. closeness is irrelevant. in a family, it doesn't matter if its been months since you last seen each other. you'll love them just the same. its unconditional. you may not be their confidant and they may have secret joys and pains that you don't know of but at the end of the day, you know you'd die, or kill, for them.

i've been raised in a home where being vocal about your feelings is next to extinct. but that never erased the love that is there. and that never stopped us to show this caring in our own unconventional way.

most people would wallow over them not having the chance to say to the people they love that they love them, but i don't. coz i know that i don't have to say it. there are things you do and don't do that could attest to the love that you feel. sometimes it need not be said when it is felt.

+++

there are days when i feel like I'm at the right path. that i am doing what i love to do

and then there are those days when i feel like doing a u-turn, and go through a whole different path.

when it comes to work and careers, when everyone is saying that you should go for your dreams, what happens to people like me who dreams really really big, and seemingly similar but completely different paths? how can we know that we're going the right direction and that it is the path that leads us closer to realizing our dreams?

it's hard when you're brain is split. when reality sinks in and you have to think about the bills that you have to pay or the savings you've been putting of. it surges and tramples your ideals of how your life should be. now you're stuck in that gray area where all choices are risky and where who-you-want-to-be is blurred by who-you-should-be-to-survive.

it's a tricky, tricky business. but there would come a time when you need to decide whether to jump or not. and for me, that could happen tomorrow, or the day after, or in a month, or in a year, i can't be sure. whatever it is i decide to do then, i hope i make the right decision, i hope my morals and ideal have not yet been forgotten, so that i can be sure that i would take that jump that will surely bring me closer to who i should be period.

+++

secrets are killers, first its just one little thing, then another, then another, and each time, you lie to cover up for it, and the little things that you first thought were harmless becomes this monster that attacks when you least expect it to.

it's funny how we take for granted the things that were taught to us as early as kindergarten. don't lie. don't cheat. don't steal. when you want to borrow something, say please. when you hurt someone, say sorry - and mean it. share your milk. message passed from one person to another will be totally different when it reaches the end of the line. say thank you. you are unique to the person sitting beside you.  

to everything that happened this last week, i hope you learned your lesson. i really do. you've been through a lot in the span of a few days but most of which, you know, you're the only one to blame. airing out everything, i know we could look bad at other people's eyes. but i know there won't be closure without going through this. i just really hope you'd stop doing the things you did before and now start to think about the consequences of your actions, no matter how good your intentions are, you still should think about how it would affect the people around.

we're not in high school anymore, and i'm the type of friend who'd tell you point blank if i think what your doing is wrong. i wish this would serve as a wake up call. you need to grow up and learn how to handle things maturely. it's about time.

random dashboard

so you wont have a hard time buying gifts for me this christmas, here's my long list: (i know, ang aga)

1. Macbook
2. DSLR Camera
3. Diving Equip (in this order: mask, snorkel, fins, wetsuit, regulator, BCD, tank)
4. Dive trip (tubataha or kota k or apo reef or palau...keri na hehe)
5. Shopping spree at Ross/Home depot/Target
6. shoes, any kind with heels not higher than 2" (im 7 1/2)
7. my first ever havaianas (brazzziiiilllll)
8. a beanbag or a cool comfy chair
9. flat screen TV, hehe.
10. a year supply of booze (if beer, RH lang pls)
11. Art materials (any medium, from crayons and coloring books to canvass and acrylics)
12. Drumset or Kahon. (wlang pilosopo)
13. Oven. i want to bake.
14. punching bag and gloves
15. a leather basketball.


Of course, Money is always the best. that way you know i will get what i really want.

And look at it this way, if you give me any of my top 5, i can consider that as an early bday gift as well. hehe :)

Pa-Fedex nalang ah, PM me for my address hehehehe! thanks dear santa clauses!

behind the wheel

still the same ciara, just with more work and longer messier hair. ah and yes, a certified diver now, not that i have the time and money to dive anyway. maybe by november/december/january soon.

traffic jam

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on reverse

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GPS system

this is my way to stalk all you readers. mwahahahahahahaha! coolness!

credits

1 & 2