Lo, karen po.

June 29, 2007 when my phone rang at 4am wednesday morning, and i saw that it was my mom, i knew right away that something was wrong.

"cha, wala na si lolo mo"

were the first thing i heard when i answered. i didn't know if it ws because i just woke up or my brain just didn't want to take it, but my mom had to repeat it to me and it took a little more time for me to process it before i uttered "anong nangyari?"

i can hear her background, everybody seems to be awake. they were about to go to Veterans Hospital for my lolo's dialysis. but when our househelp was about to wake him up, he was already cold. my mom then told me that they've been having a hard time making him eat, and that they found some of his meds in a bag, those that he needed to take, but apparently he didn't.

hundreds of question flooded my brain, but the most prominent one was "why?"..after we put down the phone, i sat motionless. that was when i decided to pray. i didn't want to accept that he gave up deliberately. i asked God to take care of him, maybe it was his time, maybe this is better. this way, he wouldn't go through all the pain and suffering that he courageously faced for months after his kidneys gave in. i surrendered all of my questions and just asked for guidance and strength.

later, i'll see him. and will be with him for his last 3 days. it seemed to be just yesterday when we celebrated his birthday, it may be a small celebration but everyone was there, even the family of my tita who lives in hong kong.

my mom and dad would always tease me, that i was his favorite apo.and there were times when i'd feel that it was true. i don't know if that has anything to do with it, but alvin dreamt about him a night before he passed away. mala-getting to know you scene. they got along pretty well. maybe because they were similar in some ways. he didn't know my grandfather but for some reason, he knew right away that it was him in his dream. he approved of alvin, which kind of spooked us out, and at the same time, made us happy, if that was really his way to give his blessing, then im realy happy we got his approval. its just sad the two never got the chance to meet in person.

i can only pray that he's doin fine, wherever he is. and i hope he knows im here for him, i always was. i may not always be present physically, but i was there when he most needed us. i was ready to give blood for him, even if i was scared to death. i loved him, in my own silly way, i really did. you'll always be in my prayers, lo.

random dashboard

so you wont have a hard time buying gifts for me this christmas, here's my long list: (i know, ang aga)

1. Macbook
2. DSLR Camera
3. Diving Equip (in this order: mask, snorkel, fins, wetsuit, regulator, BCD, tank)
4. Dive trip (tubataha or kota k or apo reef or palau...keri na hehe)
5. Shopping spree at Ross/Home depot/Target
6. shoes, any kind with heels not higher than 2" (im 7 1/2)
7. my first ever havaianas (brazzziiiilllll)
8. a beanbag or a cool comfy chair
9. flat screen TV, hehe.
10. a year supply of booze (if beer, RH lang pls)
11. Art materials (any medium, from crayons and coloring books to canvass and acrylics)
12. Drumset or Kahon. (wlang pilosopo)
13. Oven. i want to bake.
14. punching bag and gloves
15. a leather basketball.


Of course, Money is always the best. that way you know i will get what i really want.

And look at it this way, if you give me any of my top 5, i can consider that as an early bday gift as well. hehe :)

Pa-Fedex nalang ah, PM me for my address hehehehe! thanks dear santa clauses!

behind the wheel

still the same ciara, just with more work and longer messier hair. ah and yes, a certified diver now, not that i have the time and money to dive anyway. maybe by november/december/january soon.

traffic jam

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on reverse

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GPS system

this is my way to stalk all you readers. mwahahahahahahaha! coolness!

credits

1 & 2