Lo, karen po.

June 29, 2007 when my phone rang at 4am wednesday morning, and i saw that it was my mom, i knew right away that something was wrong.

"cha, wala na si lolo mo"

were the first thing i heard when i answered. i didn't know if it ws because i just woke up or my brain just didn't want to take it, but my mom had to repeat it to me and it took a little more time for me to process it before i uttered "anong nangyari?"

i can hear her background, everybody seems to be awake. they were about to go to Veterans Hospital for my lolo's dialysis. but when our househelp was about to wake him up, he was already cold. my mom then told me that they've been having a hard time making him eat, and that they found some of his meds in a bag, those that he needed to take, but apparently he didn't.

hundreds of question flooded my brain, but the most prominent one was "why?"..after we put down the phone, i sat motionless. that was when i decided to pray. i didn't want to accept that he gave up deliberately. i asked God to take care of him, maybe it was his time, maybe this is better. this way, he wouldn't go through all the pain and suffering that he courageously faced for months after his kidneys gave in. i surrendered all of my questions and just asked for guidance and strength.

later, i'll see him. and will be with him for his last 3 days. it seemed to be just yesterday when we celebrated his birthday, it may be a small celebration but everyone was there, even the family of my tita who lives in hong kong.

my mom and dad would always tease me, that i was his favorite apo.and there were times when i'd feel that it was true. i don't know if that has anything to do with it, but alvin dreamt about him a night before he passed away. mala-getting to know you scene. they got along pretty well. maybe because they were similar in some ways. he didn't know my grandfather but for some reason, he knew right away that it was him in his dream. he approved of alvin, which kind of spooked us out, and at the same time, made us happy, if that was really his way to give his blessing, then im realy happy we got his approval. its just sad the two never got the chance to meet in person.

i can only pray that he's doin fine, wherever he is. and i hope he knows im here for him, i always was. i may not always be present physically, but i was there when he most needed us. i was ready to give blood for him, even if i was scared to death. i loved him, in my own silly way, i really did. you'll always be in my prayers, lo.

6 weird things about me -- tagged by chi.

June 20, 2007 1. I name almost everything, even things that i don't have yet but I'm planning to buy soon. Like my office PC - Mackoy, my iphoto - Dwighty, my Karaoke/DVD - Davey, my new camera - DeCSter (coz its a Digital Cyber Shot camera,,,get it? hahaha!im such a nerd), my future volks beetle - Stephen Dong aka Phen Dong. I have even picked a name for my future kid, it doesnt matter if its a girl or a boy, but he/she must be named Xyen. yeh..genyan talaga.

2. I read a book or a magazine when I'm in the bathroom doing you-know-what. --haha! me too!! patagalan sa CR to chi!! hehehe!

3. I'm very non-confrontational. I may write it down on my blog, but its hard for me to tell people what i really feel .id rather shut up in one corner..and blog about it. hehe. or create a mental battle with myself. coz I'm good at torturing myself.

4. I cry easily. I cry a lot. I cry when I'm frustrated. I cry when I feel helpless. I cry over very small things. I cry when I'm happy. I cry over bittersweet endings. I cry whenever I watch a show like wish ko lang or Oprah. I cry whenever I see proof that one can change someone's life thru the simplest things. I cry when children cry. basta, I cry alot!

5. I drink alone when I'm depressed. I know, it sounds suicidal, but it's actually not. I find that my head clears up when I drink. it blurs out the unnecessary so I could focus more on the topic I want to. It's not about getting drunk, I just need enough alcohol for me to get numb enough from what i don't need, and think more clearly. weird no? I think I have depression issues, coz there are times when it just suddenly kicks in, no trigger whatsoever. I just suddenly go rock bottom low. so to cope, I drink. I usually have a bottle of whatever and a shot glass tucked somewhere in my room, in case ill need it.

6. Unlike most girls who pre-design their weddings years before it actually happen (altho i have also done that), I often imagine what it would be like when i die. would my questions about heaven and hell finally be answered? who would cry, who would laugh, or who would cry just for the sake of crying. I try to predict who will remember me, or forget about me in years time, or a few days after. I imagine how my wake should be a drinking session instead of a coffee party. and that everyone should come in bright colored outfits. and rock music should be played instead of depressing ones. and davey (my karaoke) would be there to entertain everyone. wala lang..morbid lang siguro talaga ako.

And I'm tagging:
1. Jam
2. Marla
3. Daena
4. Tita Malou
5. Ms Rosahlee
6. Marns

beijing pictures at multiply

June 19, 2007 you can go to my multiply site to see the photos. ive only uploaded day one, day 2-4 should be a separate album, marami mashado hehehhe! to view them just visit http://ciaring.multiply.com

Labels: beijing, photos

A Prelude

June 14, 2007 im still too lazy to process and upload pictures, but in a nutshell, beijing was ok. i loved the clean streets, and the bicycle lanes, and the siopao babies, and the fact that i have a camera to document all these.

it was also fun acting out that we want soy sauce and chili sauce because they can't understand english. and the fact that beer goes at about 4yuan a bottle is cool too, and their fries are measured like shirts (small medium and large). i also loved our peking duck dinner, which i think still has an effect to me until now

i loved taking photos of the local people, especially the babies..we visited the Tian Men Square, forbidden city, summer palace, and great wall to name a few. i also got to see pandas, real live ones, lazy and shy, but alive nonetheless.

but with the good things comes the bad ones. like how some people there bump you and almost make you throw out whatever it is you were holding, and never even look back to apologize. or those who take menus from under your nose without even asking. and our guides who can be much of a KJ sometimes. and the dirty dusty air covering the whole city.

but those are such small things that i can just let pass,, i mean, would you think about the stinky man who shoved you out of the way when you reach the top of tower 3 of the great wall? i dont think so! (believe me, its no easy task..some of the people here in the office who went up with use can still feel the pain on their legs until now.)

anyway, i loved the trip,, and the people who i shared it with. was just sad that liz and ana waren't there. konti lang tuloy kaming nagmumukhang tanga sa photos deliberately. hehehe!

its thursday already and I still can't make myself go to work mode. but i have to, we were short listed from yesterday's pitch and we'll be presenting on SATURDAY. wish us luck.

as for the photos, you still need to wait a little longer. hehehehe!

Beautifully stated

June 08, 2007 "As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin. "

to every dark cloud..there is a pink lining

June 05, 2007

i took this yesterday while i was walking at ayala on my way home. talk about perfect timing! i hurriedly scrambled for my camera which was lost inside my overly cluttered bag. if i had taken a few more seconds, the moment would have passed.


hay, i love having a camera again. at least now i can share with you the beauty that i see everyday :)

i hope this is a sign of good things to come.

we're on our way to china this saturday, and although the person from the travel agency was way WAY more boring than tuesday, the gal we were with last year, im expecting more good photos, now all i need is to get batteries coz mine is almost out. hay...

anyone out there who'll lend me rechargeables for this weekend?? pls pls pls??

MHC logs vol. II

June 04, 2007 It’s bad enough that you seem to have no plans of slowing down on your luxurious life, keeping it on for hours at a time when you know you can’t afford it anymore. But do you really have to go that low and lie to me? Pano ka naman magkakagana na tumulong sa taong hindi kayang magsabi ng totoo. You must really think that I’m that stupid. You order me around like an ATM machine that you can withdraw money from anytime you please. You’ll try to get more than you should really get just so you would live easier. And you do all these without thinking of anyone else but yourself.

I’m really on the brink of exploding. I may not say much but you’re really trying my patience.

And the best thing about all this is, no matter what I say or do or even don’t say and don’t do, I’d still be the one to look like the bad guy to everyone you know. I’m the b*tch who doesn’t know a thing about “pakikisama”.

Well guess what, you can call me a b*tch, for all I care! I’m not going to shed my hard earned money to sustain your lifestyle! Don’t make it look like this is my problem nor my fault, coz we both know it isn’t. I’ve paid my dues. We may share an apartment but whatever happens inside your room, you should be responsible for it. I’m tired of trying to lecture you, I’m not your mother, and even if I was, you still wouldn’t listen!

Ang aga aga, sinira mo na agad lunes ko...

+++

I wanted to share how excited I WAS for our trip this Saturday, but no happy thought can seem to come through. I hate it. I hate starting Monday mornings like this.

random dashboard

so you wont have a hard time buying gifts for me this christmas, here's my long list: (i know, ang aga)

1. Macbook
2. DSLR Camera
3. Diving Equip (in this order: mask, snorkel, fins, wetsuit, regulator, BCD, tank)
4. Dive trip (tubataha or kota k or apo reef or palau...keri na hehe)
5. Shopping spree at Ross/Home depot/Target
6. shoes, any kind with heels not higher than 2" (im 7 1/2)
7. my first ever havaianas (brazzziiiilllll)
8. a beanbag or a cool comfy chair
9. flat screen TV, hehe.
10. a year supply of booze (if beer, RH lang pls)
11. Art materials (any medium, from crayons and coloring books to canvass and acrylics)
12. Drumset or Kahon. (wlang pilosopo)
13. Oven. i want to bake.
14. punching bag and gloves
15. a leather basketball.


Of course, Money is always the best. that way you know i will get what i really want.

And look at it this way, if you give me any of my top 5, i can consider that as an early bday gift as well. hehe :)

Pa-Fedex nalang ah, PM me for my address hehehehe! thanks dear santa clauses!

behind the wheel

still the same ciara, just with more work and longer messier hair. ah and yes, a certified diver now, not that i have the time and money to dive anyway. maybe by november/december/january soon.

traffic jam

linkages

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[pajammy] [jessica zafra] [post secret] [howie severino] [ala-ism] [jim paredes] [mitch dulce] [intrigero] [scotland]

[papu] [myiE] [lara] [kayE] [maky] [raece] [caffeine_rush] [the_paradox] [weird_spag] [noside] [k_Ann] [pesteng_ahem] [sabitskipoint] [claudine] [carlo] [shai] [jassy] [rc] [mai] [bubay] [koolotitay]

on reverse

12/03 01/04 02/04 03/04 04/04 05/04 06/04 07/04 08/04 09/04 10/04 11/04 12/04 01/05 02/05 03/05 04/05 05/05 06/05 07/05 08/05 09/05 10/05 11/05 12/05 01/06 02/06 03/06 04/06 05/06 06/06 07/06 08/06 09/06 10/06 11/06 12/06 01/07 02/07 03/07 04/07 05/07 06/07 07/07 08/07 09/07 10/07 11/07 12/07 01/08 02/08 03/08 04/08 05/08 06/08 07/08 08/08 09/08 10/08 11/08 12/08 01/09 02/09 10/09 12/09 08/10  

GPS system

this is my way to stalk all you readers. mwahahahahahahaha! coolness!

credits

1 & 2