February 07, 2006 i want to kick my ass so hard..or maybe bury myself, that would be nice.

for the past few weeks, i have not been myself. im not really sure what triggered this, or when it all began. i just know that something is wrong.

what before would take me a few mins to do, now takes forever to finish. i cant think straight. i feel so dumb. its infuriating. at the end of each day, i ask myself, what have i done productive today? coz frankly i feel that i havent done a single thing right, or that i knew i could have done better, but i didnt. id always beat myself for these things, my ego is starting to go negative.

im not into impressing people, thats not me. i only try to impress myself. and quite frankly im not so happy about me now.

im so frustrated.

what could get me out of this!

and in the first place, WHat the hell is THIS and where did IT came from???

i dont think its PMS coz i just had my period a week or two ago.

i hate this.

and what's worse is that i know that whether im myself or not, it wont matter. im under constant evaluation by my new bosses and even my peers.( not that i have anything against that, that's part of every work, advertising or not. ) this is "feeling" cannot be accepted as a reason and i know that.

its just frustrating coz i know that if i do get a bad eval, its absofuckinlutely my fault, nobody else's. and yes i will take full responsibility. i cant blame this on my teddy bear or imaginary friend this time.

i just wish THIS would end...sooner rather than later.

i want me back!!! where are you?? yooohhoooo...

random dashboard

so you wont have a hard time buying gifts for me this christmas, here's my long list: (i know, ang aga)

1. Macbook
2. DSLR Camera
3. Diving Equip (in this order: mask, snorkel, fins, wetsuit, regulator, BCD, tank)
4. Dive trip (tubataha or kota k or apo reef or palau...keri na hehe)
5. Shopping spree at Ross/Home depot/Target
6. shoes, any kind with heels not higher than 2" (im 7 1/2)
7. my first ever havaianas (brazzziiiilllll)
8. a beanbag or a cool comfy chair
9. flat screen TV, hehe.
10. a year supply of booze (if beer, RH lang pls)
11. Art materials (any medium, from crayons and coloring books to canvass and acrylics)
12. Drumset or Kahon. (wlang pilosopo)
13. Oven. i want to bake.
14. punching bag and gloves
15. a leather basketball.


Of course, Money is always the best. that way you know i will get what i really want.

And look at it this way, if you give me any of my top 5, i can consider that as an early bday gift as well. hehe :)

Pa-Fedex nalang ah, PM me for my address hehehehe! thanks dear santa clauses!

behind the wheel

still the same ciara, just with more work and longer messier hair. ah and yes, a certified diver now, not that i have the time and money to dive anyway. maybe by november/december/january soon.

traffic jam

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on reverse

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GPS system

this is my way to stalk all you readers. mwahahahahahahaha! coolness!

credits

1 & 2