my other uncovered fear

January 19, 2006 It has always been a joy to hear news of someone expecting. most of the people who knows me knows how much i adore kids, especially babies.

but hearing stories of those who have gone through the process, and the recent devastating incident of my cousin had always left me scared to death. can i handle giving birth?

sometimes i wish i can just skip labor and go immediately to holding your baby in your arms. but i know it wont be that simple. if only boys could, just once, get pregnant, then maybe their polygamous ways could be history.

water breaking, going through labor, getting injected in your spine by a huge syringe, pushing, breathing, both, screaming all curses known to man, losing blood and actually seeing that. i feel so weak just by thinking about it.

of course it is normal for women to go through this. but do i have to?

im honestly, freakishly scared..

what if id be like my cousin. what if, yes i went through everything, and then, i wont hear a cry in the end? if i keep on asking for my baby and they just tell me that he/she's in the nursery, but hours after, a doctor approaches you and tells you, "sorry..we tried"

i may not ever know how my cousin is feeling now, not unless i go through it myself. but when i saw the baby in that tiny tomb, i felt like i was going to have a heart attack. i tried my best not to cry in front of him. he's such an angel. sayang. sayang tlga.

up until now, my heart aches for my nephew, shawn. i remember before, her mom was planning on aborting him. she was asking money for that from me, but i cant seem to find the heart to give her any. i procrastinated. i gave her money when i know it was too late, and she changed her mind. i thought, that's the sign. we were keeping him.

everything was going fine, until the very last day. maybe ate cita is right, "di siguro talaga sya para sa atin."

i joined them in the hospital that sunday. my cousin cried when she saw me, i kept silent. coz i know no words can ever make her feel better. i just sat beside her. i only wanted to let her feel that im just there, as i have always had.

tom, it will be a week since his death.

was it the slow service? the wrong time frame? the doctor's wrong decisions? being too poor to afford a paying hospital?

at this point, those would just remain as questions. i dont want to blame anybody anymore. im just happy that my cousin didnt also die due to poisoning, as he did. and that i could be assured that shawn is in heaven with her lola, my aunt who died just this december.

as for me, i hope id eventually outgrow this fear, coz i know one day will go through it. like that 30+ woman who gave birth to her first son with her 20 yr old husband, and that forty-ish woman delivering to her 17th baby, who is 5th with his 3rd and current husband. or that japayuki who went home to give birth to her son and plans to go back when she's better. (yes, they are all for real, they were my cousin's roomies in the C/S room)

it would be one hard-ass experience, but from all the moms ive talked to, its supposed to be worth all that grueling pain.

My most true mind thus maketh mine eye untrue

random dashboard

so you wont have a hard time buying gifts for me this christmas, here's my long list: (i know, ang aga)

1. Macbook
2. DSLR Camera
3. Diving Equip (in this order: mask, snorkel, fins, wetsuit, regulator, BCD, tank)
4. Dive trip (tubataha or kota k or apo reef or palau...keri na hehe)
5. Shopping spree at Ross/Home depot/Target
6. shoes, any kind with heels not higher than 2" (im 7 1/2)
7. my first ever havaianas (brazzziiiilllll)
8. a beanbag or a cool comfy chair
9. flat screen TV, hehe.
10. a year supply of booze (if beer, RH lang pls)
11. Art materials (any medium, from crayons and coloring books to canvass and acrylics)
12. Drumset or Kahon. (wlang pilosopo)
13. Oven. i want to bake.
14. punching bag and gloves
15. a leather basketball.


Of course, Money is always the best. that way you know i will get what i really want.

And look at it this way, if you give me any of my top 5, i can consider that as an early bday gift as well. hehe :)

Pa-Fedex nalang ah, PM me for my address hehehehe! thanks dear santa clauses!

behind the wheel

still the same ciara, just with more work and longer messier hair. ah and yes, a certified diver now, not that i have the time and money to dive anyway. maybe by november/december/january soon.

traffic jam

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on reverse

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GPS system

this is my way to stalk all you readers. mwahahahahahahaha! coolness!

credits

1 & 2