April 20, 2005 how can i be so tired..and yet i dont think that im doing anything..maybe that's just it..i have nothing to do and that keeps me tired all day long (rather all night long)

see, behind all my rantings and complaining, i do, deep inside, crave stress. i actually love being stressed..that's when i feel most alive. at least i know that i am still functioning. and lately, i just feel sooooo tired, the funny thing is, im just at home, sleeping the whole day and up the whole night. yes, the vampire is back...i once again do not know what lunch is.. (at least, i only eat 1 whole meal a day..the prob is..i eat a lot of snacks in between..nye! wala ren)

anyway..tom would be different. ill TRY to sleep early tonight, and tomorrow..im playing basketball. yes, it has been a while. im not sure if i can shoot a ball pa, but i have nothing to do, so why not. besides, basketball is like a drug for me..after sweating my ass off, it feels really good..and we're planning to take a dip in the pool afterwards.now that would be fun..of course my whole body would ache the very next day, but at least i get to move my body once in a while..

im thinking of taking up tennis..i only need a cheap court, and of course,, someone to play with..hehehehe! anyone interested? i live in the south..so you can message me and let play tennis..or basketball..i dont mind..i rather waste my life at a beach somewhere..but going to galera or bora or even batangas is too costly for now...and for some reason my mom wont allow me to take my last vacation at our province..what a waste...the beach is like walking distance there..haaaayyy..and...you know..hehehe!

^^*

there are times when im not sure if im still fighting for what i believe in or im just plain stubborn. or is it just that im fighting for something that only I believe in. its not new when my views or how i live my life has been the cause of arguement whether between me and my parents, or me and my friends. do i just see things differently from everybody else? or rather do i want to see things the way i want to see it, and not for what it really is?? if there are those who see the world through rose tinted glass, then i would have to be seeing mine through purple tinted glass...

yes id have to admit i can be really hardheaded, specially on how i live my life. i always have to do it my way. then everyone would try to talk me out of it..and i cant get why..do they really think that i do not think first before i do something? i actually think about it..ALOT..too much if you ask me. sorry if i appear unconventional..or if i dont things the way everybody else does..that's just who i am. im not trying to make anybody do what i do so why bother controling my life when i myself cant barely keep up..

yes...i take pictures without faces of people smiling and looking directly on the camera, or of wierd things like a glass of water or an empty bag...

yes...im choosy when it comes to work...i dont just say yes to everything

yes...im almost always honest in job interviews...

yes...i dont know my worth...

yes...i am actually very happy eventhough i dont get to see him often...

yes...im too paranoid...

yes...i dont like it when people try to make me do something that i dont want to do...

yes...i have always believed that quality is better than quantity...

yes...id trade a high paying job for one that i actually enjoy...

yes...im too idealistic....

yes...i talk too much...

yes...i LOVE HIM...and i am always scared that he'll leave me for another girl one day...who isnt?

yes...beyond all my constant worrying, i do trust him...

yes...i will succeed one day..you'll see..i do have dreams...

yes...i do want to get out of here...im not scared, im just waiting for the right time...

yes...i do make mistakes..might i stress,,i make ALOT of mistakes...and i deal with them...

yes...im like this..and ill always be like this...i dont owe anyone any explanation for it..I JUST AM..

DEAL WITH IT.

take me back to the beach please...

random dashboard

so you wont have a hard time buying gifts for me this christmas, here's my long list: (i know, ang aga)

1. Macbook
2. DSLR Camera
3. Diving Equip (in this order: mask, snorkel, fins, wetsuit, regulator, BCD, tank)
4. Dive trip (tubataha or kota k or apo reef or palau...keri na hehe)
5. Shopping spree at Ross/Home depot/Target
6. shoes, any kind with heels not higher than 2" (im 7 1/2)
7. my first ever havaianas (brazzziiiilllll)
8. a beanbag or a cool comfy chair
9. flat screen TV, hehe.
10. a year supply of booze (if beer, RH lang pls)
11. Art materials (any medium, from crayons and coloring books to canvass and acrylics)
12. Drumset or Kahon. (wlang pilosopo)
13. Oven. i want to bake.
14. punching bag and gloves
15. a leather basketball.


Of course, Money is always the best. that way you know i will get what i really want.

And look at it this way, if you give me any of my top 5, i can consider that as an early bday gift as well. hehe :)

Pa-Fedex nalang ah, PM me for my address hehehehe! thanks dear santa clauses!

behind the wheel

still the same ciara, just with more work and longer messier hair. ah and yes, a certified diver now, not that i have the time and money to dive anyway. maybe by november/december/january soon.

traffic jam

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on reverse

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GPS system

this is my way to stalk all you readers. mwahahahahahahaha! coolness!

credits

1 & 2