January 14, 2005 can i just skip the fact that our house feels more like hell than a home...and being a major bum just isnt helping...gawdeymit!

im better off in a mental institution...i eat on time, sleep on time, i can do whatever i want to do, say whatever i want to say, shout or sing or dance and no one can judge or criticize me. no one can tell me what to do or not to do..i am a nutcase. and... i get to be the prettiest nutcase. hahahahahahahha!

if you think about it...just like what paolo coelho pointed out in Veronika Decides to Die, life inside the mental institution is pretty much the same as life outside..sometimes its even way better..

people look down on those who are inside those walls..they are crazy..but who isnt? at one point in your whole life...you cant say that you've never been crazy or at least thought about being one.

it sucks that people try to hide who and what they are..just so they can blend in...what's so wrong with being different? what so wrong about going against some of the "norms" that our society imposes on each of us. its all bull. i mean, who set those norms anyway?

i still believe that everyone should be free to express themselves...to show how crazy they can be. and not be mere puppets of the society and follow one path, one life...a life which is considered to be "right" by everyone else who's to scared to do otherwise..

of course, some may think that this might just cause chaos...if everyone just does pretty much what they want to do...see, here's the thing...its ok to do what you think is right as long as you dont impose it on someone else...i still believe in morality, and that is the key to make this work. you should be moral enough before you can handle craziness.

as i recall the things that i have read that night, i compared the mental patients and the hundred posers i encounter each day...and i cant help but ask myself...sino nga ba ang tunay na baliw??

^^*

im thinking about joining a band..eventhough kat is super against it. she says i might like it too much, i wont quit.but........i miss the nightlife...i like to sing...with some practice and tutoring, i think i can sound good enough...or i can play the guitar...ive been playing all my life, although not professionally but i know a thing or two. i know more than half of the chord shart by heart..and it'll be additional money.

i would only work during the night..that's better than sitting here doing nothing. buti sana if i get paid sitting here, di naman.

only for a few gigs..maybe just to jam for a night or two if someone needs an extra player.i dont know.

gawd im really desperate! HELP!!! i have to get out of this place or im gonna kill myself! im tired of having arguements every single waking day, (i wake up at around 2pm, and i still cant get away) and im tired of being treated like im 12!i just turned friggin 20 and my dad still thinks that im not old enough to go out with my friends anywhere outside the south area, or be outside the house past 10 effing o 'clock...and see, they're really good at keeping me imprisoned here. my dad can think of the wierdest and most unreasonable reasons so i cant go with the blink of an eye.

its useless to resist...i am after all the most irresponsible, disrespectful, stupid, incompitent, disobedient, useless, obnoxious, stubborn, complicated child they have..why listen to me?as they've told me..im a disappointment, an embarassment, a disgrace...yeah...im all that...that's why im graduating on feb 5, and i aint got a failing grade to hold me back. that's why unlike some of my batchmates, i wasn't wise enough to get myself pregnant and be a single mother. that's why i have my whole life planned as early as now, with back up plans from B to Z in case the first one doesnt work out. so that's why...i get it.

i can never understand them they say...being protective, i can comprehend..but isnt this going a bit too far? is having a "protected life" worth not having to experience ANYTHING?

i miss the comforts and freedom of living in a dormitory. that's why i cant wait to have a job, so i can save enough money to pay for rent at whichever appartment i can afford. i just cant stand being here anymore.

i said i dont want to discuss this but i cant help it..im running out of space, this house is too crowded for all of us.

^^*

He said, She said

im sorry..
i love you..
mahal din kita
pero di lang sapat yung puro mahal lang..diba? di lang sapat yung puro mahal lang..diba?
-silence-
Sorry..hanggang dun lang talaga ako
Dont say that..lalo lang ako nahihirapan. alam kong ako may kasalanan, hindi ikaw.
sabi mo ayaw mo na umabot dun sa point na sobrang mahal na kita...huli na eh. andun na. di mo kasi alam kung ano yung feeling, yung hirap na lagi ka nalang umiiyak na parang tanga. papasok ka, pati kasama mo sa work iiyakan mo. pag tinanong nila kung bakit, di ko masagot kasi ako man di ko maintindihan. gabi gabi ka nalang naghahanap ng makakainom, pero kahit malasing ka pag uwi mo yun paren nasa isip mo. hindi mo alam gano kahirap yung dinaanan ko after iwan mo ko ng ganun ganun nalang.
anong gusto mong gawin ko?sabihin mo lang..gagawin ko
mahalin mo lang ako..at wag mo lang ako iwan
*hug*
-silence-
Ayaw na kitang saktan
Di kita kayang saktan

yes, its cheezy...and it might just pass as a sequence for a telenovela..but to someone who caused tremendous pain to the person that they trully love...its simply heartbreaking

im bored..what's your excuse??

random dashboard

so you wont have a hard time buying gifts for me this christmas, here's my long list: (i know, ang aga)

1. Macbook
2. DSLR Camera
3. Diving Equip (in this order: mask, snorkel, fins, wetsuit, regulator, BCD, tank)
4. Dive trip (tubataha or kota k or apo reef or palau...keri na hehe)
5. Shopping spree at Ross/Home depot/Target
6. shoes, any kind with heels not higher than 2" (im 7 1/2)
7. my first ever havaianas (brazzziiiilllll)
8. a beanbag or a cool comfy chair
9. flat screen TV, hehe.
10. a year supply of booze (if beer, RH lang pls)
11. Art materials (any medium, from crayons and coloring books to canvass and acrylics)
12. Drumset or Kahon. (wlang pilosopo)
13. Oven. i want to bake.
14. punching bag and gloves
15. a leather basketball.


Of course, Money is always the best. that way you know i will get what i really want.

And look at it this way, if you give me any of my top 5, i can consider that as an early bday gift as well. hehe :)

Pa-Fedex nalang ah, PM me for my address hehehehe! thanks dear santa clauses!

behind the wheel

still the same ciara, just with more work and longer messier hair. ah and yes, a certified diver now, not that i have the time and money to dive anyway. maybe by november/december/january soon.

traffic jam

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on reverse

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GPS system

this is my way to stalk all you readers. mwahahahahahahaha! coolness!

credits

1 & 2