November 13, 2004 another chapter of my life is over,, the pain and endless waiting has ended, once again i am free. and the funny thing here is i never cried, not even once the entire time. and im not sorry either that it happened..im even thankful it did. coz in the process i learned to love someone..myself

i saw it coming, and i never did anything about it. i guess after the last relationship that i ended, i didnt want to be the first to quit again. but it had to end, and we both knew it. so it did. but im contented..contented that i have loved someone truly..i did my part, and that was enough for me.

sure, a day before i wanted to kill him. he was doing everything he can to hurt me, and at one point he did, extremely. that's when i realized that just because i love him, it doesnt mean that i should allow him to hurt me like that. yes he can, but hurting only goes as far as you allow it to. i decided that this was where it should end. shout it out if you have to, rant endlessly for a night then stop, sleep and welcome another day.

when he dropped me off that day, i found myself at the same spot where we talked before there was an "us"..we were back to where we started, how ironic is that? and the thing is, nothing has changed from then..our situation was still, and i think always will be, complicated.

he broke up with me, and i know most of my friends would scold me for this, that it shouldve been me who broke up with him, but honestly, i couldnt care less if he did it or i did, coz i know eventually it will end up there..so does it even matter? it shouldnt be about pride. or even if it is, i can still say, i have mine intact..i handled it well, some say too well that he should be ashamed of himself. see, its all about choices, and i chose to move on with my life, not to stoop down or compromise myself for anything or anyone. that's how it should be.

teri asked me if it hurts. SURE! especially last night, when the pain sinked in, but i didnt let it take the best of me. the pain stayed for a while, it was like my heart was physically being squeezed and pounded on a hundred times a minute, but i just breathe through it and eventually it stopped.

and now, i can say with all honesty that im ok, no matter what people think or say, the only thing that matters is im ok..i stopped blaming myself for what did and didnt happen..or that i lacked this and that.i stopped hating myself for not being good enough. he opened my eyes.

i love you nowie...but i love me more...

im bored..what's your excuse??

random dashboard

so you wont have a hard time buying gifts for me this christmas, here's my long list: (i know, ang aga)

1. Macbook
2. DSLR Camera
3. Diving Equip (in this order: mask, snorkel, fins, wetsuit, regulator, BCD, tank)
4. Dive trip (tubataha or kota k or apo reef or palau...keri na hehe)
5. Shopping spree at Ross/Home depot/Target
6. shoes, any kind with heels not higher than 2" (im 7 1/2)
7. my first ever havaianas (brazzziiiilllll)
8. a beanbag or a cool comfy chair
9. flat screen TV, hehe.
10. a year supply of booze (if beer, RH lang pls)
11. Art materials (any medium, from crayons and coloring books to canvass and acrylics)
12. Drumset or Kahon. (wlang pilosopo)
13. Oven. i want to bake.
14. punching bag and gloves
15. a leather basketball.


Of course, Money is always the best. that way you know i will get what i really want.

And look at it this way, if you give me any of my top 5, i can consider that as an early bday gift as well. hehe :)

Pa-Fedex nalang ah, PM me for my address hehehehe! thanks dear santa clauses!

behind the wheel

still the same ciara, just with more work and longer messier hair. ah and yes, a certified diver now, not that i have the time and money to dive anyway. maybe by november/december/january soon.

traffic jam

linkages

[pblog][more pictures]

[ciox] [maan] [chA] [michellE] [russ] [marns] [rJ] [tiN] [elainE] [pontifF] [mye] [jumie] [ate sunit] [ana banana] [chi ulit] [angge]

[pajammy] [jessica zafra] [post secret] [howie severino] [ala-ism] [jim paredes] [mitch dulce] [intrigero] [scotland]

[papu] [myiE] [lara] [kayE] [maky] [raece] [caffeine_rush] [the_paradox] [weird_spag] [noside] [k_Ann] [pesteng_ahem] [sabitskipoint] [claudine] [carlo] [shai] [jassy] [rc] [mai] [bubay] [koolotitay]

on reverse

12/03 01/04 02/04 03/04 04/04 05/04 06/04 07/04 08/04 09/04 10/04 11/04 12/04 01/05 02/05 03/05 04/05 05/05 06/05 07/05 08/05 09/05 10/05 11/05 12/05 01/06 02/06 03/06 04/06 05/06 06/06 07/06 08/06 09/06 10/06 11/06 12/06 01/07 02/07 03/07 04/07 05/07 06/07 07/07 08/07 09/07 10/07 11/07 12/07 01/08 02/08 03/08 04/08 05/08 06/08 07/08 08/08 09/08 10/08 11/08 12/08 01/09 02/09 10/09 12/09 08/10  

GPS system

this is my way to stalk all you readers. mwahahahahahahaha! coolness!

credits

1 & 2