August 18, 2004
i cant write much this time.
even if i wanted to..im too tired..mostly because i think too much
i checked my weight this morning, i lost 10pounds
i dont look it though...
i cant help but think that its not my body that got lighter...maybe it was my brain..
yes...i think too much.... so sue me
im bored..what's your excuse??
& our love goes round and round;
8/18/2004 02:26:00 AM
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August 11, 2004
look up
i once pictured us walking hand in hand, threading the line where sand and water meets..staring up at the wonderful star-filled heaven.
i like stars, and if i just could, i want to be just like them.. with all the darkness and what seems to be nothingness enveloping them, they never cease to shine. and sometimes, no matter how hopeless it would seem, they'd risk losing their place in the heavens, and just go right ahead and fall...
...
is this the price i have to pay for falling in love with someone as wonderful as him? should distance really be the sentence to a love i have long sought for?
i have so many questions -- questions i know not who to ask; questions i know not how to answer.
but this i do now...
one should learn from the stars...they now there's an endless space to travel once they decide to fall, a never ending battle to fight for what they feel is right -- so why gamble you might ask?
cause frankly, there are certain things worth losing the heavens for.
& our love goes round and round;
8/11/2004 02:01:00 AM
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August 08, 2004
beyond the petty arguements and snap backs, i just gotta love my friends. i know, i know..this past couple of blogs, ive sounded like i just hated their guts, but actually its the contrary.
i guess everyone goes through these at one point in time...but that's the beauty of friendship, you know..having to fight but not really...the imperfections of each one, the timely clashes, THAT makes the bond stronger. that's why i treat them girls like they were my true sisters, sappy, i know, but really, they're the only people i can call my family..and just like me, i know that even when i irk them or i cause them to go stark raving mad (i always wanted to use that phrase. hahaha!)they'd still love me...and yesterday proved this.
one thing to be thankful about is this...that they never EVER asked me what happened the other day, why i locked myself in our CR, what again caused the heated arguement with my parents and how it went, and why again, for the nth time, i just broke down and cried. i guess somehow, they already knew, even if i didnt tell them, and they know that it'll be hard for me to talk about it to the last detail. and that, i thank them for.
i think that's what most people overlook. when someone's got a problem, sometimes, you need not have all the answers. sometimes, just being there helps a lot.as in A LOT.
like in my case, if you see me on the verge of crying...dont ask me "are you OK?" cause honestly, do i look ok???
i also normally wouldnt talk aout what has happened right away. i mostly, well, cry...hehe! that's why when i see someone crying, id just sit beside her and comfort her, ask questions later, or better yet, dont ask at all. she'll tell you eventually is she wants to. all i would say is...iiyak mo yan, if that'll help, iiyak mo lang..
well anyhoo, that's pretty much how it went..the moment i arrived they all looked at me and told me i looked sad..and too pale, even for me. i had a flu that day, but i know they understood.
the day went on, eventually i cheered up again...its refreshing to be with them again, all 4 of us. there were alot of things im actually thankful for that day but after the not-asking-about-what-happened, our conversation over hot chocos and javanillas came next..
friend1: cia, mag-aral ka nga ng mabuti ha! yuck parang nanay!
cia: di pa ba pag-aaral tong ginagawa ko? hehe!
friend2: oonga naman..pero de cia, wala lang, para makagraduate ka na
friend1: oo, para makaalis ka na sa inyo
friend2: kung pwede nga lang, habang nag-O-OJT ka eh, wag ka na dun tumira eh, para di ka na nagkakaganyan
friend1: onga, kahit samin ka na tumira ok lang sakin. para ka naren naman anak ni mommy eh...
friend2: basta tol..konti nalang...gusto lang tlga namin makaalis ka na jan
i had to sip on my hot choco and force the tear on my eye not to fall. they understand me, without saying a word, they know. how can you not love someone who you can be your true self, and yet still love and care for you like this?? haaayy...i guess, beyond the situation iam in, knowing i have friends like them, and yes, my boyfriend who'd been there for me that night and brought back the smile on my face...i gotta say...im still lucky..i still have reasons to live.
^^*
things im thankful for...
that message you sent me when i was in my worst, you really are my happiness
that extra two hours or so you spent talking to me, i know you were really really sleepy, but you stayed up anyway, just to make sure that im alright.
that seat that you offered me when i arrived, eventhough i know you're tired yourself. after all, you were wearing your killer shoes.
that pair of sandals you gave me, the ones i like, but we all know i cant afford right now nor ask my parents to buy for me..you gave it telling me your feet hurt because of it, but i know better. thanks.
waiting for 5 mins for my garlic bread from breadtalk, and paying for it.
that Php50 less bill for fixing my dysfunctional cellphone, i had enough money to eat because of that.
that tissue you offered me.
that piece of chicken..i know you were hungry, but you still wanted to share it with me.
that last drink of water..it cost you more than it normally would, and you needed it too, so thank you
insisting me to eat something first and think about it later. it was a great meal.
hinding me from my ex...YEAH! definitely.
that cup of hot chocolate...it warmed me up inside
finally treating more than your girlfriend's friend...now we can talk like real friends, unlike before.
checking up on me the next day and the day after that, just to make sure im really ok after that night.
telling me that your so happy just because you made me smile. ÜÜÜ
to the people concerned...THANK YOU. now, i couldnt ask for more.
im bored..what's your excuse??
& our love goes round and round;
8/08/2004 10:16:00 PM
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August 05, 2004
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.-Bertrand Russell
hhhmmmmmm...
i think my schoolwork is TERRIBLY important
CHECK.
im bored..what's your excuse??
& our love goes round and round;
8/05/2004 01:38:00 AM
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August 04, 2004
b*tchin about a b*tch
im starting to get fed up with my friend's sarcasm...im pressured, im tired, im exhausted...and i dont need her to make things any more harder.
she treats me like its my fault that i havent been going out as often these days, its my fault that ive got tons to do, its my fault that i put school first before sipping starbs coffee or watching a movie or hanging out or talking on the phone...
NEWS FLASH! i dont like this any more than you do...believe me!
but i cant afford to slack off now...i am about to graduate (hopefully) in a few months, and im nearing my first nervous breakdown if i dont get things done soon.
"sa sabado pala, nag-aaya si elaine umalis sa *sudden change of tone* bday nya, baka daw *emphasis* gusto mo sumama, *sarcasm goes on* yun e kung gusto mo lang naman. pinapasabi nya sayo"
this sat, i have lawadve make up class in the morning, probable recording at 10am, and video shoot in the afternoon..and a night that'll probably end with someone transforming into a total pain in the ass bitch
thank you.
why dont you kill me while your at it...your tone certainly could
im bored..what's your excuse??
& our love goes round and round;
8/04/2004 10:30:00 PM
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August 02, 2004
the chicken and the wheel..
i hate it when people, specially my close friends, underestimate or belittle me..di sa pikon, i know it takes me an hour to wash the dishes, occassionally, plates slip...they can joke about that all they want, at least there's truth to that..im an OC, of course it would take me forever to clean the dishes!
but then there's my cooking..
scenario
friend1:cno nagluto neto?
friend2:si cia ba?
ciara:oo bakit
friend1:ate leah!!(our househelp) pagbukas mo nga kami ng delata
ciara:ang yabang! as if nilalagyan ko ng lason yan
friend2:di na tol, ok na kami sa delata...baka parang tinola na ginawa mong sinigang nanaman to e
**the thing is, i cant remember cooking tinola for them. i was the appointed cook of the house when our househelp went back to the province for a couple of weeks, i cooked tinola pretty often (since its really easy to cook) first time i did, my dad had 2 servings, and he is the food critic of the lot.
then there's my spaghetti..my sisters love it, my mom, who thinks of her recipes highly liked it too, but i cant seem to get my friends to eat it. they make it sound like i dont know the difference between sugar and salt, or vinegar and soy sauce.
i dont believe i cook THAT BAD..im no chef, but heck, i can create edible concoctions.
damn it.
sometimes i have to pretend that someone else cooks them food just so they would eat what i made. they'd finish it up..giving me an unrecognized accomplishment...
sometimes, after they ate the last chicken or pork, id tell them. then they would start to make comments like,
"ah kaya pala iba lasa e, parang may halong di ko malaman.." or
"di nga cia?ginagago mo ko eh" or
"pasalamat ka gutom na gutom kami" or
"tol asan ang CR nyo nga?"
i had to take back what i said. i know it was fine, after all, andami nilang nakain...but somehow,ayaw paren nila tanggapin na i can cook.
then there's my driving..
ive had numerous heated arguements about this...
scenario
Friend1:eh cno magdadrive satin, pagod nako
ciara:ako, i can drive
friend2:tol bata pa kami
ciara:bakit, nakakadrive na naman tlga ko ah, may lisensya na nga ko o
friend3:mas gugustuhin ko pang si friend1 nalang magdrive kesa kay ciara! mas gugustuhin ko pang si friend2 nalang kesa sa kanya!
friend1:ikaw kaya friend3, may lisensya ka na ren naman diba?
friend2:nye! ayoko ren...katakot ren yan e
friend1:kesa naman kay cia
friend2:sabi ko nga..oo nga...
ciara:salamat ha!
it has always been like that. i know, i havent used that card for a while, but that's because i have no car to drive! kung meron lang, eh di sana diba, i wouldnt put up with this country's dysfunctional public transportation system...i want to listen to songs i like, not "halukay ube" and the likes. i want to sit by myself, not beside some smelly 40+ guy who keeps on glancing at me. i want the smell of my perfume, not the mixture of people's sweat, BB and BO..believe me...
that cia-as-driver-phobia came about years before, one of my friends double dated with me and my then-bf, my bf brought his bro's car, and i was trying to make him let me drive till up the street. i haven't had any professional traning, so you could just imagine what happened. the car jumped and screeched the first few seconds, but i managed to drive it smoothly after that till the end of the street. i saw this big barrell in the middle of the road and i thought it would be funny to scare them and drive that way then stop just at the nick of time...my bf turned white, my friend and her then-bf sat frozen at the back..and i went down laughing my head off..all my bf could say was.. "susunod, turuan muna kita ha"
had i known back then that it'd take me forever to take that off their minds, i would'nt have done it...
scenario continued..
friend3:totoo naman ah...ayoko pa mamatay!
ciara:...bakit? ang kapal neto! napagdrive na ba kita ever? hindi pa naman diba? ang kapal mo para sabihin yan saken
friend3:eh kasi yung kwento ni kat dati eh
ciara:bakit! kelan ba yun. matanong ko nga? di pa po ako nagaaral nun, la pa ko lisensya...ang kakapal nyo...wag kayo magalala, pag ako na nagdadala ng auto namin, di ko kayo pasasakayin, tutal ayaw nyo diba?tang*na..
*then there was silence*
yep, i snapped...they have always teased me and rediculed my driving, but this i think was the first time i actually snapped. i felt a bit bad since it was friend3's bday.but one can only take so much right??
i took a shot of gin and continued playing with my phone for a few mins until someone else changed the topic.
im sick and tired of them treating me like im a good for nothing little girl. i love them..but that doesnt mean that i would allow them to step on me...
im bored..what's your excuse??
& our love goes round and round;
8/02/2004 06:35:00 PM
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