what's good vs. what's right

June 30, 2004 Have you ever been in a crossroad where you have to decide whether to do something that would be good for you or to do what is right…which way do you go? And how would you know for sure which is the good thing and the right thing?

he might be leaving for Dubai soon. I think that was the reason why his sister “confiscated” his cellphone. Days later, he casually told me that he was already fixing his papers and his passport. See, his sister wants him to apply for a job in Dubai daw. I think her husband works there, so he’d have a place to stay in case he’d work there. It’s really logical, I mean, it is hard to find a job here. and if ever you do, the pay would be.. uhmmm.. insufficient. I think what her sister wants is for him to have a better life, something he cant have if he stays here.

the thing is… I cant help but feel sad and scared. I mean, its bad enough that we only get to see each other every few weeks since school started.. why not put miles and miles more in between!

I’ve been trying SO HARD to be supportive of this. I want him to be successful… but those times when I stop myself from telling him how much the idea of him living sooo far away scares the hell out of me, I cant help but feel that im betraying him and even worse, myself. I’m no good a liar. I’m lucky he can’t see me whenever he brings up the topic and I’d sound “excited” for him. But pretty soon, when were together, I’m sure he’d see right through my act.

I want him to make this decision for himself. it is his life. I know at some level, I have a say on this, that I can make him think twice or even stay for good. Of course I’d want that but that’s not how I want things to be… it’s wrong for me to be selfish, to keep him here… right?

But what would happen to us? if ever we’d continue this relationship… will it last? will he last? will I?

a lot of things have been going on in my head lately. like… what if he gets too lonely and look for someone else, and even worse, what if he falls in love with her? what if like my friend, I’d be all excited, saving up money to buy tickets so I could see him, only to find out that he’s already married to another girl. (Yep that really happened.. I can just imagine the pain.) or.. it could also be the other way around. I might find someone else, I could never tell, a lot of things can happen in 2 years (that’s how long he said he’d be away if ever he gets accepted, I think his sister’s husband gets to return every 2 years too)

I’m no hypocrite… I too have plans to go if not to Canada, to the States after I graduate. I don’t plan to stay here for too long… So if he doesn’t leave now, pretty soon, it would be I who’d be leaving… so is this our fate? are we destined to part? 5 years from now, would I be one of those successful business women who, at the end of the day, would find herself singin… shoulda woulda coulda…

^^*

People say that together we were both sides of the same coin
That we would shine like Venus in a clear night sky
We thought our love could overcome the circumstances
But my ambition wouldn't allow for compromise

I could see in the distance all the dreams that were clear to me
Every choice that I had to make left you on your own
Somehow the road we started down had split asunder
Too late to realize how far apart we'd grown.

**
How I wish I, wish I'd done a little bit more
Now " Shoulda woulda coulda," means I'm out of time
Coz "Shoulda woulda coulda", can't change your mind
And I wonder, wonder, wonder what I'm gonna do
"Shoulda woulda coulda" are the last words of a fool

People ask how it feels to live the kind of life others dream about
I tell them everybody gotta face their highs and their lows
And in my life there's a love that I put aside, cause I was busy loving something else
So for every little thing you hold on to, you've got to let something else go**

if I would now forsake the opportunities are fate
I know I'm right where I belong
But sometimes when I'm not so strong **

haaaaayyyy…


im bored..what's your excuse??

June 14, 2004 I was supposed to post yesterday..I was just finishing up, i think a few more words just to sum it all up..when my PC went bezerk..damn PC! never failed to irritate me..

well, there have been some as in some lang, changes here...i decided to do a simple navigation thingie there...is it too small? my browsers a bit off...so im not sure if what im seeing is real..hahahaha! what a way to put it..

haaayyy...my dad can really be too kuripot sometimes...we have told him a thousand times...our PC's been begging to be replaced for months now...it has a mind of its own, like it would suddenly restart...and its extra EXTRA slow...but i guess he became attached to this lil thing...i say...then go sleep with the PC by your side...had i have another choice, i wouldn't waste my time using this..but i'll miss my mp3s though...

-----

haayy..the most tiring week is about to come to an end..tom, id pass a project, an infomercial, a storyboard, and id finish my first batch of quizes...busy busy busy me...

then there's other things to think about, like recently..we fought..well, kinda...he got mad at me..he misunderstood my text...he apologized relentlessly afterwards...he made me panic...even made me cry..of course, he doesnt know that..but heck, he did! im such a crybaby! hahahahaha! always have... but id normally try to hide it...you know..i dont want to look weak and shit...but man, i do cry..one can only take so much right? usually when i feel helpless...that's got to be the worst...

have to go now..still have to finish some things..as ive said..my busy week is just about to come to an end..but only JUST...

im bored..what's your excuse??

June 08, 2004 the freakiest thing happened to me tonight...

after my class, i think it was around 9:15, i was aout to go home...but i figured i should visit the CR one last time before i leave...we were near southgate so i used the CR there in LS.MJ waited for me outside...when i came in 2 girls were there but they were about to leave the CR naren..i entered the second cubicle. a little after i heard like heels of stileto or something walking outside the cubicle door..

at first i thought, hey, it is the ladies room..maybe someone came in after me. the "girl" seemed to be walking back and forth for a while, i even think i heard her enter the cubicle beside me..or at least she was near me because the clicking of the heel and the marble floor became a bit louder...then i heard MJ knock on the door and shouted my name, asking me to hurry up..i told him to wait coz i was just finishing up. the "girl" walked again a few steps, then stopped. i thought she must've entered a cubicle by now..

but i was kinda embarrased, me and MJ shouting like that, so i checked who it was..maybe it was a teacher or something..when i walked out of the cubicle, nobody was there...the other 2 cubicles were open...the one right beside me on the other hand was closed..so i looked below (i dont know why..maybe i just want to make sure that there is someone in there) but i found no stiletto wearing foot..i tried to lower my head more..maybe her feet's up...or something...but i cant see anything

right at that moment i stood straight up, turned around and walked out the door. i didnt even check if the cubicle was locked, i just went out..i almost hit this woman on my way out..she was going in..i think i frightened her a bit..since i walked out so abruptly..but i cant control it...i think i was shaking...MJ asked what happened..it took me a few steps away from the CR before i could utter a decent word...

i swear to Gawd..kinilabatutan ako!! until now... i want to think that its just a fragment of my wild imagination..but what the heck..this wasnt the first time this kinda thing happened to me...but man...it was just more freaky coz i was all alone...

my lil sister even joked that i should've looked up the cubicle door, maybe the "girl" is looking at me from up there..i wanna hit her with the TV..KAILANGAN TLGA?! now i have this mental image..gawd...i hope i can sleep...sheeesh!

good thing i can only hear and feel them...ive only seen like i think 1 my whole life...and its not even a human form..its more of a shadow...so i guess that counts like just half a ghost right? i dont know what i'd do if i were like armi or alvin..id probably go crazy..as if im still perfectly sane..hehehe!

im bored..what's your excuse??

June 01, 2004 i have 1.5 hours to waste...so what better place than at a comp lab...to update my blog..hehehe!

im thinking about changing my skin...ive survived using my own skin for a while..but i think i need a fresh new look..those in favor of me changing this..say U SAK! hahahahahaha!

naah..really...its still gonna be in black, or, if not, in pink, i think. haha! im just supposed to change my other blog's skin, but browsing through blogskins and having tons of time to waste, i thought i should change this too..what do you think??

im bored..what's your excuse??

random dashboard

so you wont have a hard time buying gifts for me this christmas, here's my long list: (i know, ang aga)

1. Macbook
2. DSLR Camera
3. Diving Equip (in this order: mask, snorkel, fins, wetsuit, regulator, BCD, tank)
4. Dive trip (tubataha or kota k or apo reef or palau...keri na hehe)
5. Shopping spree at Ross/Home depot/Target
6. shoes, any kind with heels not higher than 2" (im 7 1/2)
7. my first ever havaianas (brazzziiiilllll)
8. a beanbag or a cool comfy chair
9. flat screen TV, hehe.
10. a year supply of booze (if beer, RH lang pls)
11. Art materials (any medium, from crayons and coloring books to canvass and acrylics)
12. Drumset or Kahon. (wlang pilosopo)
13. Oven. i want to bake.
14. punching bag and gloves
15. a leather basketball.


Of course, Money is always the best. that way you know i will get what i really want.

And look at it this way, if you give me any of my top 5, i can consider that as an early bday gift as well. hehe :)

Pa-Fedex nalang ah, PM me for my address hehehehe! thanks dear santa clauses!

behind the wheel

still the same ciara, just with more work and longer messier hair. ah and yes, a certified diver now, not that i have the time and money to dive anyway. maybe by november/december/january soon.

traffic jam

linkages

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on reverse

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GPS system

this is my way to stalk all you readers. mwahahahahahahaha! coolness!

credits

1 & 2