December 31, 2003 guess what..i saw joy, you know, that carson girl who stole mike cortez from me?! hahahaha! keep dreaming cia! anyway..she looked...............yeah...ok...hahahahahahaha! damn?! she's such a lucky gal?! and another thing..guess who's friendster page i stumbled upon a while back..JAY-R?!?!?! HAHAHAHA! AND I FRIGGIN NOT WASTED ANOTHER SEC...I ADDED HIM. HAHAHAHAHA! SURE SURE..it might not be him..but close enuf.. damn this is getting baaaadddd...what's happening to me?? hahaha! happy new year peeps..happy new year indeed?! ;p

**its really hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!! he even got a testi from his neighbor..so..he lives somewhere in greenhills..hmmmmm..hahahahah! pananagutan pagiging stalker eh no..de...di ren..basta..i love jay-R!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!! (even if his real name kinda sounds .... basta..find out what it is nalang..hehehe! damn! HAPPY NEW YEAR?!?!?!?!?!)
[don't hate the player, hate the game!]

December 27, 2003 i cried just a while ago...unbearable sadness..i was afraid that if i dont let it out id have a heart attack. i found out that he might not go to my bday celeb..fine! the thing is he promised..i was expecting him..then suddenly he's not sure..i mean ok i understand..he does have a point when you come to think about it..its just that..he broke a promise...yes, it may sound like such a small thing but it matters to me. but i cant bring myself to get mad at him..im just planning to enjoy this thing while it lasts..and then there's the probloem here at home..my grades..being stuck here tooooooooo long..dang!

good thing my friends came tonight..sex and the city marathon!they bought gin for us to drink..sadly im still sober..sleepy..but sober...dang! and i have been laughing all night the moment they arrived..its refreshing..something to break the monotony of my f*cked up life. that's why i treasure them so much. boyfriends..they can be replaced..good friends..that's a hard find.=]

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if you know me outside this blog, you might be surprised...i dont look like someone who has so much problems do i?that's what my other friends who've seen me at my worst always say. i never let other people see me when im down. i dont want then to see me as someone who's weak...and as much as possible, i dont want to burden them with my problems..see i know they have problems of their own and i dont want to add mine to theirs so..i end up..pretending..that im perfectly fine..but during the night when im alone...this happens..stream of thoughts overpowering me..its so overwhelming..i have to let it out somehow...of course i cant scream..people sleep you know. this is a way for me to say what's really on my mind. so sorry guys..most of the things here are my unrestricted thoughts..bear with me..but if i do see you around..please lets not talk about it..im not good with confrontations..just pretend that you never read this...personal confrontation...not my style..and besides, i think i wont talk anyway..hehe! so..just read along like your reading a book with characters that are not real...someone told me that im "Plastic" coz you'll never know that i have problems since im always smiling or laughing or goofing around..you knwo what..that would have to be one of the best compliments ive ever had.

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its almost my bday..exactly a week to go..to those who want to celebrate my last "teen" bday..my house is OPEN! just come by ayt? it'll start at about 8 or something...till the break of dawn..hehe! im saving money so that i'll get everyone drunk..hehe! so if you want to just text me or something so i could tell you where my house is..till my next post!=] oh by the way..im a bit happier now..hehe! whatever happened before..i cried it all out already..and im ok..this time, its not being plastic..really i feel better..lets just hope it'll continue..im tired of being down...can anyone give me another guy? hehehehe! fine..not yet..when he's gone..ayt? hey! it'll be alright by then right??you dont expect me to mope and cry till my eye pop out of its socket, do you? i have a life...and it doesnt revolve in just one guy...hehehehehehehe!

[don't hate the player, hate the game!]

December 26, 2003 whoever said that you cant always get what you want is wrong..you never get what you want..bitter?maybe...

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i need some cheering up..right about now!!i knew i never should've told them about him..then maybe it wont be like this..i only have little time left here..was i wrong to continue a relationship that i know wont last?i just thought that i dont want him to be another one of those guys that i let pass then afterwards id tire my tiny mind thinking of the what ifs and what might have beens?! im sick of it... am i such a bad person if i allow myself to be happy once in a while..you know, not that temporary happy, that happiness that lasts even after the moment has passed..that's all..i want to be happy!!! even for the last few months that he'd be here, then maybe after that i could go back to my old self again.. until the next decent guy comes along..i dont want to have any regrets..i dont want to be left alone thinking that i gave less than what i should have..or our relationship wouldve been better than what it was..but somehow..poeple would always find ways to make it hard for me...damn! this feeling is so overwhelming i think im going to throw up..

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watched the end part of joyluck club..and boy did i cry! hehe! damn! you know that part about the girl who thought that her mom expects her to be the best in everything. i feel her pain..seriously..you know..when someone expects too much from you, and no matter how hard you try you cant reach that..im not sure if id be angered or scared that my mom and dad cant understand me..i dont think they even know me..you know, the real me, not the one they want me to be.. that's why i cant wait to graduate..then id be outta here! i swear! i want to go somewhere far from them..so that i could find myself..i want to prove to them that i can decide for myself, yes i may not always have the right answers but ill learn, right?

nuff said here..need some sleep..please!!

[don't hate the player, hate the game!]

December 25, 2003 I can't sleep!! Note to self: alcohol and karaoke not a good combination! Now how can I say that to our neighbor without sounding like such a b*tch? I've been popular to the carollers as the b*TCh who NEVER has coins..Now this? Aaaawwww..One at a time gurl..one at a time....

Merry Christmas .. CRAP!

I was getting ready for the xmas mass..I thought of wearing something red, you know, to somehow help me get "in the mood" I wore my beige ukay ukay blouse..The hell! And frankly that's exactly what I feel about xmas..Neutral. im trying to be positive here..I swear..When we were at the church, there was this mini "play" or at least that's what I think they're trying to do.i even made an effort to stand on this big rock so that I could see since there are SOOOOO many people there and at the far end of the crowd and for those who don't know me, or haven't seen me yet, IM not that tall. So there I was balancing myself (mind you, it wasn't easy, and this little girl was sharing that rock with me kept pushing me slightly, if it weren't a kid, I would've ... ) and this guy who was "acting" as Joseph sounded a lot like kuya Caesar only he's faster a few notches, the girl who played Mary..I don't even want to comment on the poor thing..And the only thing that I thought could bring me out of my misery, the baby Jesus..Damn! I wish I never bothered...It was so irritating its almost funny! I went down the rock coz my feet hurts before the baby Jesus was born.l since it was only that kid there I thought id just go back when I hear the crying baby. I was talking to my sister when she interrupted me and told me that IM missing what I came there for. That's when I heard my cue..Only..It didn't sound like a baby..I honestly thought it was the background effects since its supposed to be a stable and everything. It was not even close to the sound of a baby crying, the lil boy behind us was a better "crier" than the one recorded. I just ended up laughing and we didn't bother finishing the stupid play. So much for bringing back my xmas spirit.

and oh..As if it wont get any worse..IM not sure if were going to the province later. We ALWAYS spend xmas day there, except when my aunt and cousins from Hong Kong come to visit us, but still, we make it a point to at least pass by there. But not this year. No, my Hong Kong based relatives aren't here.. Somehow I feel that IM responsible for this year's no show. See..My boyfriend's from there and I distinctly think that its all because of that. Well, my mom could always tell us that its because we have no maid (she went home to spend xmas there) but the thing is, before, we leave the house to the very watchful eyes of our neighbor. We still go to the province even if there's no one home. So I cant see why this year's different. The hell with them..I finally met a decent guy...A guy who'd be gone probably by summer or even as early as Feb. And I can only make the best of what little time I have. We barely meet and the 25th of December should've been a given..And yet here they are...Depriving me. I only want to see him..It's not like IM going to elope with him or something..Is that too much to ask?

[dont hate the player..hate the game]

random dashboard

so you wont have a hard time buying gifts for me this christmas, here's my long list: (i know, ang aga)

1. Macbook
2. DSLR Camera
3. Diving Equip (in this order: mask, snorkel, fins, wetsuit, regulator, BCD, tank)
4. Dive trip (tubataha or kota k or apo reef or palau...keri na hehe)
5. Shopping spree at Ross/Home depot/Target
6. shoes, any kind with heels not higher than 2" (im 7 1/2)
7. my first ever havaianas (brazzziiiilllll)
8. a beanbag or a cool comfy chair
9. flat screen TV, hehe.
10. a year supply of booze (if beer, RH lang pls)
11. Art materials (any medium, from crayons and coloring books to canvass and acrylics)
12. Drumset or Kahon. (wlang pilosopo)
13. Oven. i want to bake.
14. punching bag and gloves
15. a leather basketball.


Of course, Money is always the best. that way you know i will get what i really want.

And look at it this way, if you give me any of my top 5, i can consider that as an early bday gift as well. hehe :)

Pa-Fedex nalang ah, PM me for my address hehehehe! thanks dear santa clauses!

behind the wheel

still the same ciara, just with more work and longer messier hair. ah and yes, a certified diver now, not that i have the time and money to dive anyway. maybe by november/december/january soon.

traffic jam

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on reverse

12/03 01/04 02/04 03/04 04/04 05/04 06/04 07/04 08/04 09/04 10/04 11/04 12/04 01/05 02/05 03/05 04/05 05/05 06/05 07/05 08/05 09/05 10/05 11/05 12/05 01/06 02/06 03/06 04/06 05/06 06/06 07/06 08/06 09/06 10/06 11/06 12/06 01/07 02/07 03/07 04/07 05/07 06/07 07/07 08/07 09/07 10/07 11/07 12/07 01/08 02/08 03/08 04/08 05/08 06/08 07/08 08/08 09/08 10/08 11/08 12/08 01/09 02/09 10/09 12/09 08/10  

GPS system

this is my way to stalk all you readers. mwahahahahahahaha! coolness!

credits

1 & 2